This week’s tweets are better than the average dad joke.
when i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie— Jhorts (@JhonRules) March 6, 2016
Me: Dad, are you here? I miss you so much. I'm really struggling— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) February 20, 2016
Ouija board: H I R E A L L Y
S T R U G G L I N G I M D A D
L O L
it's spelled koЯn, dad... the "k" shakes you to the core then the "Я" pushes you off a fuckin cliff— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) March 8, 2016
WHOA! Fair warning, this is a map of the US if shutterstock had their way. pic.twitter.com/c0qYj4MBAn— Mike Glazer (@GlazerBooHooHoo) March 9, 2016
"Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life."— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) February 29, 2016
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar— pat tobin (@tastefactory) March 4, 2016
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That's Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Hello 911? I fell, please send help. Yes I can get up but I landed really sexy and I need you to send someone to draw me.— Brett Druck (@BrettDruck) March 10, 2016
Every magazine should be renamed "Look, Bodies!"— Manda LikeCatsOK? (@Manda_like_wine) March 10, 2016
The new Ghostbusters movie looks so unrealistic. Are we seriously expected to believe that women could bust ghosts as well as men do?— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) March 5, 2016
JEB BUSH: May I come in?— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) February 21, 2016
GINNY WEASLEY: Of course.
MONICA GELLAR: Welcome to People Less Popular Than Their Objectively Worse Brother Club.
COP: Captain, we have Prince in custody— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) March 11, 2016
COP: Did you say finger Prince?
COP: (smiling) Yes sir!
Imagine how good the Beatles would have been if you replaced John Lennon with Kendrick Lamar and replaced the other 3 members with nobody— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 7, 2016
If you make a rapper mad he has to sing a song about you. Which I think is neat.— stiv (@lawbsterfest) January 26, 2016
I have a very particular set of skills. I can tell when a porno is ACTUALLY amateur, and not just pretending to be. -Me in Taken— gabrus (@jongabrus) March 8, 2016
Don't get yourself so pregnant that you have a baby— Bblack (@freebirdy31) March 7, 2016
Babies are the only ones with enough courage to scream on airplanes.— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) March 10, 2016
MARY: Your welcome...— st. batty's karen (@batkaren) March 4, 2015
JON: It's "you're" welcome.
MARY: ...is overstayed.
It’s called having a spine, maybe you vertebrate— REW Speedwagon (@therealeatwood) March 10, 2016
[Marriage Counseling]— barknado (@Barknado69) March 9, 2016
Her: he always mixes two common sayings together that aren't relevant
Me: well, blood is thicker than the early bird
If you're married to Jeff Bridges- never say "More like the Little Lebowski" when he takes his pants off bc u should never burn ur Bridges— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) January 29, 2015
There's no right way to say "I Googled you".— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 10, 2016
I saw your boyfriend's Twitter account in the parking lot today pic.twitter.com/te2ZW2iy8v— Helena Bottom-Farter (@solikebasically) March 5, 2016
I put the I in idiot. Both of them.— Kirk Fox (@kirkfox) March 10, 2016
[McDonald's job interview]— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) March 10, 2016
Manager: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: drunk as shit, telling you to go McFuck yourself, probably.
if you order a mcflurry 8 days in a row that's called a mcturbo and they have to let you see the shed where they keep grimace— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) March 8, 2016
Cashier: Did you find everything okay today?— Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) March 10, 2016
Me: I did.
Cashier: Can I interest you in the film rights to the Fantastic Four?
Me: No thanks.
[BOOK CLUB]— mohib (@chuuew) August 8, 2015
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?