Dear Susan, I Can’t Have Sex with You Because I’m a Camel
I wanted to explain the way I acted the other night, and why I left so suddenly, just as things were getting intimate between us.
The last few dates have been incredible, and I’m glad we’ve waited to have sex, since its allowed us to really get to know each other. I truly like you, which is why I left in a panic once I realized you wanted to take things to the next level.
You see, Susan, we can’t have sex because I’m a camel. I may look human, but it’s just a genetic fluke. My DNA is 100% camel. For legal and some health reasons, I can’t have sex with you.
I know it may seem implausible, but much like those boys in Peru with bodies covered in hair, and other sideshow freaks (for lack of a better term), I am a complete anomaly, most likely never to happen again. For whatever reason in god’s plan, I was born with the appearance of a human being, with the DNA of a humped camel.
Does that make my penis big? Absolutely. Huge, in fact, with no hair or gross parts like my camel brethren.
I know what you must be thinking. That I’m making all of this up because I’m not interested in you, or because I have HIV and am too big of a coward to tell you, but that’s not true. I think you are wonderful, beautiful, and everything I’m looking for in a woman.
Maybe one day the taboos of inter-species sex will be eliminated, or there will be a cure for HIV (apropos of nothing). Until then I must go away into the night.
Here’s to hoping you find love.
Earvin Johnson, Jr