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October 05, 2016
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Let's break down everything that's wrong with this mom rapping "Norf Norf" by Vince Staples.

If you’ve spent any time on the internet in the last 24 hours, you’ve probably seen this self-proclaimed Christian mom’s impassioned rant/lyrical reading of Vince Staple’s “Norf Norf” after she heard it on the radio.

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WOOF. Time to break down everything that’s wrong with this video!

1) The Lyrics & Artist

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Let’s start with the glaring errors before we get into how messed up this all is. I don’t know how you manage to screw up lyrics to a song when you’re reading them off a screen, but somehow she pulls it off! Reading “Kiana” as “Kanye” is bad enough, but hearing her say “Nerf Nerf” thirty seven times is enough to make you throw your computer out a window. Our maybe go buy a Nerf gun. Perhaps both if you’re feeling ambitious. Then she credits the song as being written by “Summertime ‘06” while looking at a page where Vince Staples’ name is presumably prominently displayed. Get it together, lady. Tough to make a case that this song hurts our educational system when you can’t even read. Plus she misuses the word “dictation” after declaring her intelligence. That was fun. I quite liked that part.

2) There’s A Child Present

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The whole genesis of her outrage stems from hearing a bleeped out edit of this song on a radio station her daughter listens to. Well, now she’s rapping THE WHOLE THING UNCENSORED WITH A CHILD IN THE BACKGROUND. I don’t know how to categorize this insane mix of hypocrisy, irony, and ignorance. A triple-decker sandwich of bullshit? Garbage trilogy that would make even George Lucas blush? Whatever you want to call it, saying curse words uncensored around a young impressionable child doesn’t convince me that you’re trying to protect our youths from naughty language.

3) Cutting Class Is More Offensive To Her Than Murder

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The part of the song she apparently finds most distressing, to the point she starts crying, is when Vince says he cuts class. Maybe she missed the part where he says he “never has no problem spraying no witness” because I’m pretty sure murder is worse than ditching school. Then again, maybe if he spent more time in the classroom he’d be less likely to use double negatives so I guess mom has a point here.

4) She’s A Little Too Comfortable Saying That Word She Shouldn’t Be Saying

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She says that word (the one she definitely shouldn’t be saying) a little too comfortably and she says it A LOT. I don’t know the exact amount of times where saying this word becomes too much, but I think for a person like this it’s any amount more than zero times. Just because you’re reading it off a screen doesn’t mean you get a free pass to post a video on social media sounding like DMX giving a wedding toast. Also, a little past the 7:30 minute mark she drops a hard R at the end of that word. NO THANK YOU. YIKES. SOMEONE PLEASE PICK UP YOUR MOM FROM THE INTERNET, SHE’S RUINING IT FOR ALL OF US.

5) The Clean Popular Music She Lists From Her Childhood

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She cites the popular music from her childhood being clean like Britney Spears and Backstreet Boys, but there was a lot of gangster shit on the radio around that time. Eminem graphically talked about murdering his wife. Juvenile had a top 20 single telling women to back that azz (sic) up. KoRn didn’t have anything overly problematic to say, but they were actually kind of shitty and that can be dangerous to kids as well. Also, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera were highly sexualized at a super young age. That’s not very Christian! Or maybe it is? I haven’t read that book in a long time, there’s probably a bunch of stuff in there I don’t remember.

6) What Radio Station Is Playing “Norf Norf” In 2016?

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What kind of “hit” radio station is playing “Norf Norf” in 2016? It wasn’t even a single. It definitely wasn’t a hit. Don’t get me wrong, it bangs and I’m glad Vince is getting radio play, but this was one of the most confusing parts of the video for me. Chicken fingers make more sense than this and chickens don’t even have fingers. I wish I could say that was an original thought, but I stole it from Buzzfeed. I literally couldn’t think of anything that made less sense than this so I had to use google. That’s how much this doesn’t make sense.

7) Crying While She Spits Bars Is Actually Amazing

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If you’re trying to convince me that the lyrics to this song are a problem, don’t start sobbing while you spit these bars. This combination of unbridled passion and flame lyrical content is the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced. I didn’t know how much I needed this. Also, you could’ve just told people to check out the lyrics because when you say them out loud you open yourself up to the MANY COUNTLESS AND AMAZING REMIXES of this that I’ve seen all over the internet in the past 24 hours. Let’s check out a few!

BARS. Let me just take this moment to say I love the internet so much. You guys spring into action so quick without any thought of financial gain. It’s a beautiful thing. Also some of you are the worst and do awful shit, but I guess you have to take the yin with the yang in this life.

8) Vince Staples’ Music Is A Reflection Of Reality

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I know this might be hard for a nice white mom who lives in a bubble to understand, but Vince Staples isn’t just saying this stuff to say stuff. The scary, graphic, and violent things he’s talking about are a reflection of reality. It’s art birthed from very real things happening in very real communities all around America. So if it offends you or freaks you out, that’s great because you should be aware of this stuff, but maybe try to change what’s going on in this world instead of complaining about some music. Treat the source not the symptoms. But in the meantime, please make a YouTube channel where you rap lyrics to all of my favorite tracks because sobbing mom bars are apparently my new favorite thing of all time. 2016 is wild as hell.

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