It’s Monday! Nobody likes Mondays, but if you hate your job, this is your reminder that it could be worse. Yeah yeah, there are the obvious shitty jobs – shoe shiner, bikini waxer, pedicurist, being the PA to some terrible celebrity, garbage man, plumber, cremator or embalmer (and maybe you are one of those), but the jobs I’ve listed below are way worse and beyond embarrassing. These jobs are performed by peeps who have had to let go of their dignity, morality and sense of decency. Here are the Top 10 (according to my imagination) World’s Most Demoralizing jobs.
1. Mattress Man
This gig takes street corner work to a whole new level. But how else are people supposed to find out about the annual Mattress Sale?
2. Professional Clapper (Audience Participant)
New to Hollywood! This is one of the easiest gigs to score. You can be a professional clapper on a game show…for minimum wage of course (because this is the City of Angels where people are disposable).Make sure to moisturize.
3. Napkin Lady (Bathroom Attendant)
I feel like I shouldn’t have to pay $1 for someone to hand me a napkin. But in some restaurants, not even in the bathroom can you escape pleas for tips. The most awkward exchange ever – I try to avoid eye contact.
4. Human Carnage Cleanup Crew
Someone has to clean up the remnants of death on the battlefield,whether the cause be war or natural disaster, like a tsunami. Hopefully the job comes with therapy…or pays enough to cover therapy.
5. Submarine Drug Smuggler
Who wants to be confined with all the drug lords under the sea? Not me. But this is how America gets its cocaine. Where did you think it came from – Idaho? No, that’s home of the potato.
6. Suicide Bomber
You get to blow things up…as well as yourself in the process. But apparently God rewards you for this…?
7. Driving Illegals Over the Border
Someone’s got to do it! How else are the Mexicans supposed to get here to set up their beloved fruit stands and taco trucks. Despite the logistics of their arrival, admit it – you love the Mexicans too.
8. “Kill Shelter” Killer
This is way worse than being part of the “Roadkill Cleanup Crew,” cause at least you weren’t the source of the animal’s death. This job is so awful there is no picture that can accompany it without ruining my attempt at satirical comedy.
9. Sewage Treatment Plant (any) JOB
It’s sewage. Ewww. There is no greater human waste than human waste. But someone’s got to do it – especially since there’s a sewage problem in the world and we’re running out of room …to dump it…so this job is kinda important when you consider that the world may end with us drowning in our own sh*t.
10. Truck Stop Hooker (aka. Lot Lizard)
Prostitution is bad no matter what, but if you have a choice in location, choose the penthouse. Always choose the penthouse.
Since this job is not really voluntary (and outdated), I guess it doesn’t really count. However, I’m not sure that some of us are not slaves to our jobs. Chin up! Next week I’ll be covering “The World’s Most Kickass Jobs!” followed by…“How to Rob a Bank and Never Have to Work Again.”