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February 08, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at www.brianlisi.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta said the U.S. had no warning that there would be an attack on the embassy in Benghazi. Said Panetta, "How could we predict that a YouTube video/coordinated terrorist attack could cause so much damage?"

A massive manhunt has been launched for an ex-LAPD officer reportedly targeting police. It would appear the conflict between working for the LAPD and being a black man finally made him snap.

Sen. Marco Rubio will deliver the Republican response to Obama's State of the Union speech. Rubio says his speech might take 5 minutes or 5,000--science really doesn't have an answer.

Schools in Boston will be closed on Friday in anticipation of a major snowstorm. Children are expected to learn more or less the same that day.

Newly released documents from JPMorgan Chase may help prove the company knowingly made bad loans. Not to mention, just how many times Claire from Payroll forwards cat GIFs.

Addressing possible nuclear negotiations with the U.S. on his website, Iran's Ayatollah said, "Talks will not solve any problems." To drive his point home, he even disabled comments on his blog.

In Michigan, Republicans are pushing new legislation that would require a transvaginal ultrasound before a woman can receive an abortion. Ideally, the process would be: transvaginal ultrasound, decide whether to get an abortion, then never voting Republican again. 

A private New York City school released a list of students who were rejected as part of their fundraising efforts. Because nothing makes you want to give money to a school more than a school embarrassing children who wanted to learn.

British boy band the Wanted will be getting their own reality show. Expect it to happen whether you want it or not.

In a new poll, 46 percent of people questioned said they don't trust Fox News, compared to 41 percent who say they do. Leaving a small fraction of the population that is Mulder from "The X-Files."

Actress Lucy Lawless was sentenced to community service for protesting on an oil ship in New Zealand. She plans to appeal the ruling on the grounds they're being Xenaphobic.

Scientists say an asteroid or comet was almost definitely responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs. However, they said "Armageddon" was unequivocally better than "Deep Impact."