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December 22, 2011

A briefing from the front lines of the war on Christmas.

    You haven't been hearing much about the war on Christmas this year. It's not an accident. It's just another cog in the liberal media's gigantic spin machine. In fact, the signs of the battle are everywhere, and if you don't know how to spot them, it won't be long before your family is completely corrupted by secularism.
    I took a trip to the mall the other day, and there was some fruit outside ringing a bell. A BELL. I need not tell you that prancing about with a bell is not a normal, heterosexual activity. But it turns out this was to raise money for some sort of alternative, gay-friendly "army." The worst part- the vile and heinous cherry atop this disgusting, anti-jesus cake- was that the person ringing the bell was a mere child of no more than six years old. Also, she told me "Happy Holidays." This, ladies and gentlemen, is the course the United States is going.
    Indeed, the secularists have been upping their game. Not two minutes ago, on a radio station I believed to be family friendly, I heard a song that encouraged its listeners to go about decking their halls with holly. It also advised you to don gay apparel. Evidently people no longer recognize the slippery slope to hedonism. First you are running around with decorations, daintily stringing holly, then you are celebrating the birth of Christ in your assless chaps and feather boas, and before you know it, people are able to marry horses. Is that what you want? For your child to grow up and marry a horse wearing assless chaps? Because unless you begin to take this seriously, that's what will happen.
    Most people don't know this, but this type of thing has been going on far longer than anyone thought. "A Charlie Brown Christmas," the supposedly beloved special, was underwritten by George Soros. Close examination of the special reveals a nefarious undertone of communism, with everyone "pitching in" to decorate a tree; a tree that could have pulled itself up by its own tree root straps. I also have it on good authority that Soros funded the digital insertion of shots that show Peppermint Patty ogling Lucy's breasts. It's subtle, but it's there.
    Let's not forget, either, the story of Rudolph. Beneath those devious, emotionless clay eyeballs lies a sinister plot to let Sharia law into the United States. There's no hiding that the abominable snowman is part of the Muslim Brotherhood, and the willingness of the others to bring him into the fold and accept him as one of their own cements the message. There's also a sentiment encouraging children to become dentists and join the Union of American Physicians and Dentists. That Burl Ives snow man may as well be Michael Moore.
    Because the evidence has stacked up against the secularists (The tides going in, Jesus taking away the moon during the day, Stephen Baldwin not disappearing, etc.). they have to resort to the dirtiest of tactics: converting your children to denying things they know to be true by way of faith.    But if we remain vigilant, we can put a stop to it, and return America back to a puritan wonderland of god and family and not talking about our feelings.

Merry Christmas, and God bless.