Hi boys and girls! You know, it’s beginnin’ to occur to me that this Super Pac thing may not be all it’s cracked up to be. Now don’t get me wrong, I sure as hell love the idea of one billionaire havin’ the power to solely finance a Newt Gingrich, or any other Republican…but we’re through the lookin’ glass on this one people. Without these Super Pacs, Gingrich woulda dropped outta the race months ago. Instead we have long, drawn-out mudslingin’ match that’s killin’ the image of the Republican Party. We all cheered the Citizens United Supreme Court decision, but now it’s come full circle to bite us in the ass.
Now just this last Tuesday, Rick Santorum pulled off a sweep in Alabama and Mississippi, despite Mitt Romney’s crafty attempts to sound like a southerner. He dropped the “ya’ll” and “grits” bomb at least 100 times, and I can’t believe nobody bought it! You’d think a Mormon from Massachusetts woulda pulled it off but come on…a guy pretendin’ to have a southern accent…how pathetic is that shit ya’ll? Anyway, it looks like Rick and Newt are in this thing for the long haul. At this point it’s clear that the party’s gonna‘ be split all the way to the Republican Convention in Tampa; a good ol’ fashioned civil war in the south! At this point I have to admit I’m reconsiderin’ my endorsement of Mitt Romney. I figured he was the best man to take on Obama, but that was before I heard him speak. Now it’s to the point where I don’t know what’s crazier… votin’ for Romney or votin’ for Obama! Wait a minute…that’s crazy…I can always kill myself.
I miss the good old days of Rick Perry. Sure, he wasn’t the smartest guy out there, but at least you wanted to have a beer with him. He’s like an old Ford truck you buy just because you’re a sucker for American nostalgia…but then you look under the hood and realize you got alotta work to do before it’ll run. Anyway, as you can imagine, I was thrilled to learn that a Gingrich/Perry ticket may be in the works. A pre-convention Perry VP pick may be just what old ham head needs to get back in this race. This news has prompted me to come up with some potential campaign slogans they may want to consider: