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January 21, 2014

Follow these steps and your party will be, as we said back then, “outta sight!”

• You must have music, and the ‘90s had great music! For your “90s mix,” be sure to include what are, speaking from a strictly sales point of view, the most popular songs of the decade, such as Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind 1997” and Elton John’s “Something About the Way You Look Tonight.”

• Rig up a TV monitor to play cool clips of fresh ‘90s TV shows, such as the top-ranked show of the 1991-92 TV season, 60 Minutes, and the top-ranked show of the 1992-93 TV season, 60 Minutes.

• Put up some awesome ‘90s decorations on the wall to set the mood, like a map depicting the Czech Republic and Slovakia as one country, or that 1977 Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Poster you bought at a yard sale in 1994.

• Tell your guests to dress in their favorite ‘90s fashions, such as denim pants (or in ‘90s slang, “jeans,”) and some kind of shirt.

• Have your guests arrive in ‘90s wheels, like a 1998 Civic or a 1997 Accord, as they drive those cars anyway.

• Get some authentic “only-in-the-‘90s refreshments,” like Crystal Pepsi, Fruitopia, and Arch Deluxe hamburgers. You can probably get them online.

• Never stop mentioning Shai.

• Hire a genuine ‘90s celebrity to come to the party, like bestselling mystery author Mary Higgins Clark, or author of the bestselling satirical political novel, Primary Colors, Anonymous.

• Play the “Where Are They Now?” game. Guests take turns speculating on the current whereabouts of ‘90s icons. Everybody then votes on the “best” or “funniest” answer, and wins a prize, like a scrunchy or a slap bracelet. Some names to get you started: Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes, George publisher John F. Kennedy Jr., The Naked Gun star Leslie Nielsen, The Naked Gun 2-1/2 star O.J. Simpson, The Naked Gun 33-1/3 star Anna Nicole Smith, or beloved Texas governor Ann Richards.

• Play “Yugo-a-Go-Go!” Recite fun facts from the CIA World Factbook about different republics that broke away from a rapidly dissolving Yugoslavia in the 1990s and see if your guests can guess if it was Croatia, Kosovo, Macedonia, Serbia, Montenegro, Slovenia, or Bosnia and Herzegovina. Award a prize, like a scrunchy or a slap bracelet.

• Play “By George!” Basically everybody just names their all-time favorite George article.

• Watch The Big Bang Theory reruns on TBS. Blossom is on that show, and that show is pretty much always on on TBS.

• Maybe your parents, who got divorced in 2001, could reunite for this ‘90s party. It’s only one night, you guys. Please?

• A decent party store will rent you one of those machines that can turn somebody into Stefan Urquel.

• Remember VHS tapes? OMG! Make sure there are plenty to snack on.

• The party has to be over by 8, because in the ‘90s, you were a child.

• Allow your guests both a quiet space and ample time to quietly ponder the cruel passage of time, and with it, the feelings of lost opportunity and misspent youth.