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Clement Moore
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Published December 20, 2012

tWAS tHE nIGHT bEFORE xMAS

Twas the night before Christmas & all thru the rental

creatures were stirring, including the mental.

The stockings were hung & for men who would dare

on Christmas Day they would gaily wear.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds

with violent videeo games stuck in their heads.

And papa in his skivvies & me in my bra

has just settled down for a good romp. yeehah.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I limped from the crash,

tore open the curtain yelling, "Get out, you trash!"

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

gave the lustre of midday to zombies below.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

but a goodely-stuffed pipe & a 6pak of beer.

Twas a little old hippie, so lively & quick.

I saide "Honey get up now.  It's your stupid friend Nick."

More rapid than eagles his curses they came

as he whistled & shouted & called us both names.

"Hey dummy & sweetpants (you little vixen),

I brought us some grub, get thee to the kitchen.
From the porch I threw down a ball

that bounced off his head.  He cried, "Fuck you all!"

As dry leaves on the wild hurricane fly

I gave up resistance & heaved a great sigh.

So up to our pad his friends & he flew,

with a dog dish, some dog food....oh shit!  The dog, too?

And then in a twinkling I got an idea!

I'd cook if they made up the toys from Ikea.

I walked to the kitchen, then turned around,

saying "Honey you know where the toys can be found.
"Aw honey" he grumbled, "Must that be now?'

With 1 hand on hip I said brightly & quick,

"No one gets stoned 'til the first toy is fixed."

His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples so merry.

His cheeks were like ashed, his brain like a cherry.

His droll little mouth down to his knees fell

& the beard on his chin was as scratchy as hell.

The stump of that pipe he held tight in his teeth.

I said, "Light that up & we'll need a new wreath."

I loved his round face & his little round belly

that shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby & plump, a right goody young elf,

and I laughed when I saw this inh spite of myself.

A wink of his eye & a twist of his head

soon gave me to know that he'd do what I said.

He spoke not a word but went right to his work.

And everyone helped him including the jerk.

The neighbors were grouching & so too, the pup.

I yelled thru the window, "It's Christmas.  Lighten up!."

The toys they all glittered beneath our fine tree

& so did St. Nick who fell on 1 knee.

I quickly saved all with the pull of a scarf

someone had left in a ball on the hearth.

I brought in some breakfast, sat down & got stoned.

I fended off hands as they all left for home.

I looked in the corner & there slept the pup.

I put my hands on my head 'cause the kids just got up.

by Who Gives A Damn

 

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