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Published June 08, 2011

 Just who is this Paul Revere guy, and why is everybody talking about him?  The entire country is up in arms about recent comments concerning Mr. Revere, made by the distinguished former Alaskan Governor, Sarah Palin.  When asked about Paul something-or-other and his mid-afternoon ride, she had these morsels of wisdom, "He who warned, uh, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh, by ringing those bells, and um, makin' sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed."

  What's the big stink all about?  If that explanation doesn't sum up the British invasion to start the American Civil War, I don't know what does.  Case closed, right?  Wrong.  What was it that our founding father, and first president, Abraham Lincoln Park used to say? "Give me liberty or give me death" I think it was.   He was soooo right man.  It's like, dude, give me the liberty and stop asking questions about some dude nobody except the Beastie Boys has ever heard of.  Not cool bro.  Not Cool.

  You know what is cool?  Sarah Palin is cool.  She took that "Gotcha" question from that rude and unfair dude and answered it like any well-read, American historian or a guy named Vinny from Queens would.  "Ya I knew that asshole.  He was fuckin' on that fuckin' horse ringin' bells and shootin' guns and shit.  Fuckin' stugots.  I tell ya.  Yous guys shoulda seen that shit." 



  Not satisfied yet?  Fine, lets break it down in my new segment called "Breakin 2: Electric Bugaloo and further insight into Pre-Revolutionary American History"


Part One:  He who warned, uh, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh, by ringing those bells


  Lets say the Mexicans are invading (which they are).  What's the first thing you would do?  That's right, you would grab some bells and ring them at the invading Mexicans.  Let them know that you know that their invading.  They'll be like, "Holy shit ese, this fucking gringo is loco".


Part two:  and um, makin' sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells


  I'm not 100% she's got the horse part right.  Nevertheless, the important thing to take from this, is that he was "makin' sure" to "send those warning shots and bells".  If your gonna be riding your horse around Boston like a lunatic during an invasion, you better be pretty damn sure you're ringing bells and shooting guns to warn your invaders.


Part three:  that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed


  It's our constitutional right as Americans to be free, bear arms, and most importantly, be sure.  What is this country if we're not sure?


  A few days after Mrs. Palin was unmercifully attacked with a guerrilla style gotcha question, she appeared on Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace to stand by her historically accurate statements:

“You know what, I didn’t mess up about Paul Revere. Here’s what Paul Revere did. He warned the Americans that ‘the British were coming, the British were coming’ and they were going to try to take our arms. . . . But remember, the British had already been there . . . part of his ride was to warn the British that were already there that, ‘hey, you’re not going to succeed. You’re not going to take American arms. You are not going to beat our own well-armed persons, individual, private militia that we have.’ He did warn the British. And in a shout-out, gotcha-type of question that was asked of me, I answered candidly. And I know my American history.”


  You go girl.  Hey British, you're NOT going to succeed.  You're NOT going to take our arms.  You're NOT going to beat our well-armed persons.  Fuck ya.  You hear that England.  Our persons are strapped with glocks and tec-9's and Oakland Raiders hats.  Just try that shit. This country was built by men and women that did stuff and did things.  You're not taking that freedom of freedom and freedom freedom away from us.  If I wanna keep a tec-9 in my house to protect myself from terrorists in the middle of Colorado, it ain't my fault if my neglected psycho kid shoots everybody at school. 

  This is America.  The land where even a flute playing, pageant winner from Idaho can become Governor of Alaska, and quite possibly, president of the United States.  That's fucking insane.  You can literally do anything in this great country of ours.  You can be a gun-toting, anti-abortion supporting, historically inaccurate, beauty pageant winning, big oil supporting, environment fucking, annoying accent having, gigantic fucking cunt, and run this great nation of ours.  God Bless America.



In the immortal words of our forefathers, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, "Freedom costs a buck o'five"

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