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February 20, 2009


Being the hard up yet rather talented comedian that I am I decided to accept a gig at a small town wedding reception.
This hamlet near Columbia shall remain nameless however many people here know it for a place where the lousy go to dump their unwanted animals.
Anyway since there were no true landmarks other than trees and such the proud father of the bride to be gave me explicit directions. I decided to leave extra early just in case.
The hallmark of my journey into bad teeth land involved a fork in the road; he told me to be sure to take that fork. How in creation can I take a fork that isn't there! Some folks call forks dog legs around these parts,maybe that is what he meant to say. I tryed to picture what a dog leg looks like. Much to my dismay I could not find a dog leg, fork in the road-heck if push came to shove I began to doubt whether I would notice a dromidary in the road!
I did happen to notice a discarded  serving fork that I assumed  lost during the holidays not so long past. For pitys sake, could anyone possibly expect a motorist to notice a serving utensil? Agains't my better judgement I decided to backtrack the backyard of the ass backward people in the name of comedy , my gosh darn cross to bare.
Finally theres the dumb piece of 8/0 stainless and right there just off in the distance the country church and the little grey cinder block "reception hall...ha,ha( If ever I wished for hot flashes this was the time.) I felt cold just looking at it. I was still way too early to be that uncomfortable in the name of humor so I started entertaining myself w. "Stop in the name of humor, " nah, no good. I was no Diana Ross, then I started obsessing about the dumb fork, maybe I should go and get it, maybe that's what he meant, maybe it was the only body parts server they had. I decided to do the right thing and went back for the fork in the road. I felt good about myself now, they would realize that I was a real person and quite considerate too.
Once inside the reception hall I rinsed the fork off and placed it on the buffet table. It sure was quiet. Time passed and passed and passed and not a soul darkened the doorstep of the little reception hall. I felt so sorry for the bride, she was starting to cry. You just had to feel sorry, no company, the ugly building, and the white dress agains't here brown teeth why it was a crying shame when suddenly I was startled by the brides father as he hollered "which one of you twits moved that good,God dam Landmark Fork I made? Ain't nobody never gonna' find us overn chere!
I slipped out unnoticed and reflected upon how sometimes city folk just aren't as bright as one might assume.