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May 18, 2011

The American car manufacturer Freedom Cars Inc, has a new model coming out.

Are your friends bragging about their wealth by cruising around in their Rolls Royces, Ferraris and Bentleys? Are you tired of the same old luxury cars that every other billionaire has?

Enter the new Freedom Car XLRTSW5000. Delivers the luxury you deserve by being born into filthy wealthiness!

Available colors

What colors can you get these cars in you ask? How about ALL of them at the same time! The car has been painted with special, artificially intelligent, NASA developed, nano-bot paint that changes color depending on what kind of mood you the driver is in. White for happy (of course), blue for sad, red for angry, yellow if you have to pee, brown if…well, you get the idea.


While others boast about their “leather interior trims”, you can shut them up by your one of a kind gorgeous interior made entirely of whale foreskin! Yes! Watch their faces turn green with envy as they glide their jealous fingers to feel the unmatchable smoothness of stretched out marine mammalian penis (1).


Have you ever sat in those so-called comfortable “bucket seats” the cheap $500,000 Bentleys have? Well we have a better and wealthier alternative that will make those seats red with shame. We have actually removed the whole concept of “seats” altogether. Who needs seats made of dead animal skin when you could be enjoying them alive!! Yes, you heard us right! Instead of sitting on foam covered with leather, you will be sitting on live (but heavily sedated) Pandas!! We have 4 female Pandas, (because no one wants to feel gay while driving this car) being constantly injected with Morphine for you to rest your beautiful rich ass on(2).


 We at Freedom Cars haven’t forgotten that ridiculously rich folks like you need ridiculous power under that hood. Why wouldn’t you want a car capable of 0-200 mph in less than a millisecond when you live in a country with 65mph speed limits? To achieve that we have packed in a 96 cylinder 80,000 horsepower engine but we haven’t forgotten about our carbon foot print.  Actually we have completely eliminated the need for gas, cuz this puppy runs on ABVO negative human blood, a type so rare that it’s only found in a small Sub-Saharan African tribe of 4 people. And we’ve got 2 of them! Carefully (and humanely) placed under the back seat (pandas) are two adorable African toddlers(3) supplying their precious (and malnutritioned) blood to your thoroughly deserving rich lifestyle. You’re welcome EPA!

Windows and Windshield

While Rolls Royce (eye roll) tries to impress their potential customers with lame “safety” features like bulletproof, tempered, non-shattering UV coated glass, Freedom Cars know luxury always comes before the safety of you and your family. That’s why we have replaced the concept of regular glass windshields and windows with diamonds! Yes you heard us right! All the windows are made entirely of diamonds. Even though you would have to stick your head out of the car to be able to see, we feel it’s a small price to pay for feeling and looking extremely wealthy.

Keyless entry

Absolutely no keys here. Welcome to the next generation bio-metrics. Not the lame retina/finger-print scanners to get into this car. Those are for people who don’t make $100,000 an hour like you. We have cutting edge DNA analyzers built right into the doors. Simply ejaculate your semen into the opening under the door handle and the built in super computer will instantly recognize you, unlocking the door within minutes(4). (Porn sold separately).

Theft protection

LoJacks and GPS enabled tracking devices are for those poor (probably black or brown) people. Any undesirable people (including all minorities) that come within 10 feet of this car will wish they hadn’t! In the spacious trunk are two former KGB trained Russians armed with AK-47s instructed to gun down anyone who cannot supply them with the secret 48 character alphanumeric password(5) within 3 seconds.

Backseat Entertainment

Maserati may offer Blu-ray players and surround sound systems for watching the latest movies, but we have gone one step further. Our state of the art video entertainment system will enable you to watch movies that haven’t even been made yet! We’re talking blockbuster sequels like Star Wars 7, Indiana Jones 5 and Gigli 2!

As far as audio goes, No old-school, AC3, THX certified surround sound system here. The new AC5, 18.1 channel audio system is capable of creating sounds inaudible to human ears. Take that George Lucas!

First Aid Kit

Some luxury cars offer extensive first Aid kits equipped with enough instruments to perform open heart surgery. Who needs instruments when you have Christ! Yes, every vehicle comes with your personal, miniature Jesus Christ in the glove box! He is capable of healing any injuries and/or diseases you may contract while driving, including but not limited to concussions, flesh wounds, broken bones and leprosy! (6)


1.       1.  In accordance with international animal rights laws, only foreskin from consenting whales was used after they were forced to convert to Judaism.

2.       2.  In rare circumstances, sedated pandas have been known to come to, attacking the humans sitting in their laps. Refer to the first aid kit section if any injuries are sustained.

3.        3. As you may already know, Africans are used to eating less than a handful of rice in any given week. Any over feeding may cause undesired results like regaining of consciousness and attempts to break free.

4.         4. Freedom Cars Inc. is not responsible for legal issues that may arise from public masturbation.

5.         5. For added security the password is randomly changed every 30 minutes. Please login to your Freedom Cars Inc. account online to get the latest password. (Online account access requires a 48 character password that is also randomly changed every 15 minutes).

6.         6. Freedom Cars Inc. requires that you accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior. Actually, if you are rich enough to afford this car, you are probably a God fearing, white Christian male anyways.