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August 02, 2010

Washington, D.C. – The last day of his Supreme Court career turned out to be a notable one for retiring Justice John Paul Stevens. In a landmark decision, the highest court in the land ruled 8-1 in favor of rock legend Chuck Berry in what is now being called, “The DeLorean Trials.”

Justice Stevens writing for the majority opinion stated that, “While the timing of Martin McFly’s performance would indicate ownership of copyright there are issues that justify closer examination…” The case finally found its way to the Supreme Court after bouncing around the lower California courts for years with the prior decision leaving the copyright of song, “Johnny B. Goode” in the hands of Martin McFly of Hill Valley, California.

The case started in 1993 when McFly sued Chuck Berry for royalties on the song claiming to have created it nearly three years prior to its 1958 release. McFly, represented by his brother, stunned the world by providing dozens of eyewitness testimonies that it was McFly under the pseudonym Calvin Klein who first preformed “Johnny B. Goode.”

The trial seemed to be going in the favor of McFly, a recovering alcoholic, until a solar flare caused the appearance of multiple Biff Tannen’s, one an auto detailer, the other a self-proclaimed billionaire who “owned Hill Valley.” Not long after, noted physicist and Presidential science advisor, Emmet Brown testified that he had created a time machine out of a DeLorean nearly seven years earlier. This event altered the timeline, diverting many things from their natural course. Brown has since refused to answer questions about possible involvement in a plutonium theft relating to his creation of the time machine. Using this testimony however Berry’s legal team was able to successfully appeal the case.

Sources say that Brown’s testimony came only after it was discovered that Martin McFly attempted to seduce Brown’s wife, Clara Brown (nee Clayton). McFly’s legal team attempted to use this apparent spite between then two men to overturn the appellate decision – however as Stevens wrote, “..despite the acrimony between witness and McFly it has not been successfully demonstrated that this in anyway has skewed the truth of Brown’s words.”

Justice Antonin Scalia as the lone dissenting voice wrote, “Accepting that time travel is a reasonable defense against copyright infringement is a slippery slope that could lead to judicial disaster. For examples, why didn’t these ass-wipes go back and kill Hitler? The end.”

After the hearing, John Stevens and the Supreme Court retired to chambers where they partied down with Fudgy the Whale, a bottle of scotch, and a live performance from Chuck Berry himself. Martin McFly unfortunately was involved a fatal restaurant brawl at a Friendly’s not long after the decision, where “The Chickens” the local little league team were celebrating a victory. McFly is currently in grave but stable condition at Memorial Hospital.