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September 11, 2011

What the hell IS wrong with you?

We have been talking lately and...a couple of us are concerned. Since it seems none else has the balls to say it, I guess it's comes down to me. So, I'll just throw it out there and ask. What the hell is wrong with you? 

Don't get us wrong. We like you, well, most of us do anyway. It's just that...we've had enough. We think you've lost your shit. There are a lot of reasons why and we're not here to judge, but, god, fucking damn, man. There are things that are beyond explanation. Like all the time's you dug in your ass and asked us check if the smell was "dyn-o-mite" or the night you had to put your dick in EVERY mail box on the block or even that trip you took to Washington...just to fart in the President's hand. His fucking hand? Even though you failed, you took farting on his dog as a consolation. Or...or what about the time you rented that clown costume, stood outside a porn theater and handed out gift wrapped boxes of your own shit. Sure, it was funny but, come on.  What the hell, man. You,...you made cheese sandwiches to give to the homeless...and instead you just ate them in front of them, cackling. Come on, I mean, what was that all about? Damn, and you know, that's not even the worst shit.


I ran into that girl you used to work with, the one with the sandy blonde hair, you remember? Well, anyway, we were catching up and we got around to talking about you. Her mood completely changed. She tells me this story about you, talking to her in the break room about how much you liked The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Now in and of itself, that's not a bad thing, okay, but, body painted like "Donatello" .then, telling her your dong was your "dangly bow staff"? Oh, oh, speaking of women, I talked to that ex-girlfriend of yours yesterday, she said you can keep the ice trays because...and I'm quoting, "freezing used condoms is neither a hobby, nor a great gift idea". Why did you guys break up anyway? Oh, oh yeah, she reminded me, because she wouldn't let you "thow it up in her butt" and your argument for it? "Because her sister never let you try." Did you mistake paint thinner for a Carpisun when you were little?

You used to be normal! Well,...now that I think about it... you might never have been "right". Shit. That time, we went to the mall and tried to fit the word "dick" into every sentence while asking people for directions, to see if they would notice...instead you stood next to random people then, looked up at the ceiling repeating the word "penis" over and over while pointing at your crotch. In retrospect, it seems like maybe it was a warning sign or something, maybe penis indication gestures during common social interactions are a warning sign of severe retardation. What do I know? Oh, by the way, I can tell you with some confidence that the zenith of artistic thespian expression was not Scott Baio in the movie Zapped!. For the love of god, talk to a doctor or something. I'd give you a list of them but, you informed years ago that you pee on lists as a method of sterilization. Which is gross and wrong. I looked it up. Just, call somebody, okay? Hello? Why are you smiling at me like that?

Dangly bow staff!

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