Full Credits

Stats & Data

July 31, 2010

The Team is looking to upgrade at one key position as preparation for the 2012 Olympics and beyond.

Possible Move May Help Ignite Fire Under A Slowing Chris Mullin

(CHN) U.S. Olympic Training Center, Denver, CO: Often called the greatest basketball team ever assembled the 1992 U.S. Olympic 'Dream Team' is about to shed one of it's 12 players amid growing concern over the teams depth and shot-blocking ability.

"I think we have had plenty of time to review the breadth of Christian's NBA career in addition to what he added to our 1992 gold medal run in Barcelona... I would classify those contributions as nauseating", said Co-Captain Larry Bird.

Other team members also made public comments; "For me it's simple, I just hate white people" said an forthcoming Charles Barkley. He continued, "We already have Bird, Stockton, and Mullin... aint that enough".

"He did an excellent job in practice of prepping
David Robinson and Karl Malone for the type of slow, white, incapable defense that we would eventually see from Croatia and Lithuania - I mean it's kind of hard for Patrick Ewing to pretend he is Danko Cvjeticanin or Alvydas Pazdrazdis", informed Clyde Drexler.

"I've never heard of him", shrugged a confused
Michael Jordan as he joined John Stockton for a pre-practice warm-up on the stationary bikes.

"The decision to shake up the team was a difficult one", said
Lenny Wilkens, who was recently promoted to head coach of the 92' squad after the passing of Chuck Daly. "We did a secret ballot of all 19 members of the roster including coaches to see if we should go through with the tough decision of cutting Laettner". He continued, "The results were clear: 18 for removal and one vote for 'not sure'. We think the 'not sure' vote may have been Laettner". The vote came just days after the 94-95 Minnesota Timberwolves and the 99-00 Detroit Pistons waived the center; the 03-04 Washington Wizards have had Laettner stalled in arbitration for 7 seasons.

Laettner's .864 free throw percentage in 1997 with the
Atlanta Hawks placed him in the top 20 of free throw shooters for that season; one small accomplishment to offset the torture he administered to home fans of the 6 teams he played for over 13 mediocre seasons .

Possible replacements for Laettner include
Dominique Wilkins, Shawn Kemp, and a 9 year old Dwight Howard.

David Stern recently requested that all highlights and inspirational videos from the Barcelona games be modified so that Laettner's likeness is no longer associated with the team. NBA film editor Mark Warner said that "easiest job I ever had, I didn't have to change a thing".