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January 26, 2016
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This generation has killed dating, but these helpful tips will break the curse!

Dating has become such an empty activity these days. Between Tinder, OkCupid, BlackPeopleMeet, ChristianMingle, Craigslist ads for co-ed female roommates-with-benefits, what have you, it’s hard to see the dating scene as nothing but structured bootycalls and meaningless fucksex. That’s why I’ve adopted these 10 old fashioned dating habits, which I really think this generation could benefit from.

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1. Before you gentleman-call on her, watch her sleep to see if she floats.

You can never be too careful about who you’re seeing. Doing a little background research may be a bit creepy to some, but it can spare you a lot of hassle in the end!

2. Try wearing your biggest iron crucifix for each date.

Big iron crucifixes may not be as stylish as an expensive Gucci or Lululemon crucifix, but they’re a classy way of saying you fear eternal damnation and won’t be associated with an unholy spawn of Lucifer. Not you - you’re classy.

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3. Bring her fresh ingredients for a potion as a token of your suspicion.

It may be corny, but it stands out more than you think! Popular ingredients include turkey bones, toadstools, eye of newt, or calf blood. If she has no idea what they’re for, you have nothing to fear. If her eyes turn white and she starts speaking Latin, get an Uber ready!

4. Take her dancing by the lake to see if she fears water.

Nobody likes smelly, sweaty clubs. And only some people don’t like water. You know which ones…

5. Instead of talking around it, be straightforward and ask if she’s been baptized.

Being direct is so important, it’s almost as important as being baptized. If she has washed away her sins and seeks refuge from the Devil’s tricks, you can guarantee she’ll give you plenty of sons. But if she’s a heathen, the Devil already has her and her womb is filled with deceit. And daughters.

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6. If she hasn’t, offer to cleanse her filthy heart in the purity of fire.

So many guys in our generation opt for the easy way out and give their dates a half-hearted anointment by oil. Don’t be like the other guys. Show you care.

7. Use romantic gestures like forcefully tying her to a stake and rubbing her down with tallow.

I suggest a running bowline knot for the initial bind, and then a standard wraparound until you finish with a hard square knot. Simple. Elegant. Easy to burn.

8. Get rid of distractions and just be with one another.

Use the scarf that hides her sacrificial bat bites to gag her. Don’t let her forest spells poison your mind.

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9. Gather the townspeople to witness the raw evil purged from her soul.

Wait for the romance of sunset to paint golden red the sky, then ignite your torches in unity with His Holiness. Tell your date she will burn in the fires of Hell, as all witches do, and destroy her mortal vessel. Encourage your fellow villagers to bring heavy stones, and pelt her with them as her soul descends. The more she suffers, the better chance she will have to atone in Purgatory. This is a date, after all. It’s supposed to be fun!

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10. Always bring a condom.

You never know when she’ll want a hot dicking.

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