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February 11, 2015
Published
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A monologue

I swear. It wasn’t. The two of you just made eye contact and shared a smirk. If my job wasn’t on the line I’d interrupt this meeting to clarify what happened, but I can’t. You see, I bought these shoes last week and I’m still getting used to them. When I moved my foot, the rubber heel squeaked against the ground, causing a disgusting sound. But it wasn’t real. Okay?

Listen, farts are funny. I think they’re hilarious too. Everybody does. If I had produced an audible fart, you would have every right to bond over it and make those faces. Hell, you could laugh! I would even consider it dishonest if you guys didn’t make fun of me after this sales conference, while you grabbed a quick bite from vending machine in the break room. You’re mistaken, however, so when Terry finishes his presentation, I’ll be hanging around the vending machine to prevent anything close to that exchange from happening.

I’m not embarrassed to fart. I’ve farted many times before and I’m not ashamed to admit that. If I was able I would let out a real one right now so that you guys could hear the difference. Unfortunately, I’m feeling kind of empty, so you’re going to have to take my word for it.

If I did fart, I wouldn’t just play it off casually like it hadn’t happened. No. A fart deserves an “excuse me” or a “sorry for the gas” or something. My usual response is to passively accuse the person to my right. If they deny, I engage them in the full “smelt it dealt it, denied it supplied it, routine. Saying this makes me sound immature, but I promise you: I have never farted in the workplace and I never will.

Well this is just ironic. Now somebody else farts and you guys don’t react to it? What hypocrites! You call me out, but when another of our colleagues cuts the cheese you just let it slip? I don’t believe it. I have no way of proving this, but it smells much worse than mine. This is the deadliest fart I’ve dealt with in a while. I realize that I’m probably somewhat immune to by own “brand”, but whoever cooked up this must be eating food from a swamp. Is it that you guys feel bad? Do you think this one is too extreme to make fun of? The answer to both should be no. Every fart deserves to be ridiculed, and let’s not forget that you still owe my shoe an apology.

I’m going to take a few steps back for a second. I could be the bad guy. I did trick you. I did deceive you into thinking I’m gross human being. In reality, I’m a responsible guy who farts off of company time. Now I’m not going to be productive: how am I supposed to make a sale when I know you’ve been hoodwinked.

Side-note: Are you guys uncomfortable? The air conditioning in this room must be broken. I’m usually not this damp- especially below the waist. I guess it could it be coming from my…

Oh this is embarrassing. I’ve sharted myself.

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