After last week’s basketball game and shocking revelation this week was all about Rachel taking charge and the
men boys imploding and boy does Rachel take charge. This lawyer is taking no shit from no man.
We shed a bunch of dead weight tonight so put your food in an airtight container because we’ve got SPOILERS:
1) DeMario At The DeGates
After last week’s shocking reveal that DeMario had a girlfriend (even though he met her “many, many times ago” as if that’s a thing people say) DeMario came crawling back and tells Rachel she’s his dream girl. He confessed it to his Uber driver! That’s how you know it’s RILLY RILL.
Rachel listened quietly and then burned him TO. THE. GROUND. Straight up verbal slaughter. It was like listening to 2Pac rap about banging Biggie’s wife.
After the harrowing ordeal Rachel returned to the boys and we watch her describe what we just saw less than a minute ago. The men listened quietly, pretending they weren’t eavesdropping.
2) One On One On One On One…
Jonathan tried to make Rachel laugh with prop comedy. I feel like I have to take a shower after I watch him talk. He’s such a tickle monster.
Alex ignored her to play with a
toy adult puzzle challenge.
Kenny still spent his time talking about another woman (his daughter).
Will doesn’t play around and goes right for some hot face action . They are def smashing on the side, right?
Lucas shows up dressed as a 70s game show host and tells a story about…Blake…uh, standing over him while he sleeps and eating a banana? This is not…hold on–
3) Blake V Lucas: Dawn of Justice
Enough with these nerds. Lucas sounds like he’s permadrunk when he talks and I think Whaboom is how he shakes off hangovers.
Blake takes himself so seriously he told America his job is to dream of being a drummer. The only thing he takes more seriously is Lucas’ reasons for being on the show. Why does anyone’s reasons matter?
Blake had three weeks to focus on Rachel and instead spent his time with her talking about someone else. It’s cute when Kenny “All Night Express” King does it because it’s his daughter; it’s creepy when Blake does it. Because his face is incapable of displaying emotion.
4) Rose Ceremony
Rachel starts this one reminding the boys that the reason she is eliminating someone is because she sees no future with them. Nice to see she still had some salt left over from scorching the Earth earlier. Diggy reminds us that everything is on the line with this one and he’s right; this is the ceremony where Chris Harrison gets to stab the losers to death.
After a drawn out rose ceremony (redundant) it turns out Rachel agrees with me and de-flowers Blake and Lucas. And Jaime. Oh right we’re still in that part of the season where the only time we see some guys is when they’re going home, like when you lived with that one roommate who slept around a lot.
5) Blake V Lucas: Dusk of Justice
After the ceremony Blake and Lucas had the most wet noodle shouting match I’ve ever seen. This fight felt like it lasted for the rest of the show. We cut away from it so fast it felt like even the producers were done with these two.
Lucas is now free to grab another drink and Blake is now free to complain about whatever Lucas does next.
6) Ell Yeah
Chris Harrison arrives to tell the boys things are only going to get better. And they are because today’s group date is a trip to “Ellen!” Every guy’s favorite daytime talk show! But what they don’t know is that they’re going to be ON the show too.
Ellen sits down with Rachel to point out the moments where she was sexually harassed (tickle monster).
Rachel mentions she’s kissed one of them and immediately Jonathan knows it’s not him. He reacts like a serial killer trying not to think about hurting small animals.
Ellen demands that the men dance for her with the gentry so they take off their shirts and comply because that is what you do when a beautiful woman and a real estate mogul with a talk show demand action.
Alex apologizes for grinding on “someone’s Grandma.” WHY? Don’t give me that ageist shit you shaved Russian yak. Her parts still work!
8) Never Have I Ever
The boys play Never Have I Ever on Ellen and I cannot believe I was paid to write this sentence. What is even more incredible is two of the guys say they never thought about having sex with Rachel. Suddenly I wished Blake was back to yell about “wrong reasons."
But Alex DID admit to peeing in the pool.
Fred finally said it’s weird that Rachel can’t stop talking about what he was like as a kid. Did he pants her or something?
9) Alone Time (With A Camera Crew)
Alex finally gets to kiss Rachel and does it with the passion of a Starbucks barista getting her name wrong.
Will makes out again and Rachel basically tells us he can get it wherever.
Fred sits down and decides tonight is the night. But first what, Sebastian?
But because this is “The Bachelorette” instead of doing it he has to talk a lot about it first. What is it with people on this show talking about what they are going to do, or talking about what they just did? Oh right it’s a two hour show.
Rachel felt it was like making out with a little boy which makes me wonder how many little boys she’s made out with.
Rachel sits Fred down and tells him she’s not feeling it. But she did it while HOLDING THE GROUP DATE ROSE. DO NOT EVER CROSS THIS WOMAN. If she eliminated Kenny later by smashing a photo of his daughter over his head I would not be surprised.
11) The Confidence Game
Eric is now the only personal trainer in the house with Blake gone but he’s never had a girlfriend and he’s terrified she isn’t feeling him. This dude is gonna be scarred for life after this show. I mean, he’s not winning but if this is the closest he’s ever been to having a girlfriend? That’s like getting your learner’s permit and trying to drive a NASCAR race. One of these other dudes is gonna run him right off the road.
12) Rollin’ Down Rodeo With A Shotgun
Anthony and Rachel rode horses down Rodeo Drive like you do when your production company can do whatever the hell it wants.
It may be Rodeo Drive but it turns out the Countess was right and Money Can’t Buy You Class. Did they purposely pick the high end equivalent of Jersey Shore Boardwalk shops?
Ted the Horse hated this so much he shit pixels.
After an outdoor dinner in the picturesque LA smog Rachel gives Anthony’s jawline a rose.
13) Taking Charge
Sometimes, gang, the women have to take charge. The boys try to guess what that means and most of the guesses are shopping and definitely not that a woman would be IN CHARGE. Vintage sexism! The classics never go out of style.
Rachel brings some old contestants back for the group date and refers to them in my favorite way - as “my friends."
On the bus Raven just goes straight for the “right reasons” question because we didn’t spend the first half hour of this episode talking about this topic whaboom.
It’s mud wrestling time and the white guys are SUPER worried about the mud messing up their hair gel. But this is all about the Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King taking everyone to Suplex City and still finding time to show Rachel some love.
Bryce wins the Bachelorette Championship Wrestling Title after Kenny does the job in the final match. Hey, part of pro wrestling is putting over your opponent so in reality, I see this as a win for Kenny. THANK YOU!
14) My Favorite Subject Is Me
Rachel has a lot of feelings about these guys. She wants them to know this is a fast process so they need to maximize every second with her. So Eric, of course, spends his time talking about how himself instead of her. Suddenly, we get the return of BUZZSAW RACHEL when she not only tells him she heard he’s not here for the right reasons, but she NAMES NAMES. This woman wants to watch the world of men burn.
Eric, Bryce, and Lee have a chat about these accusations and wow, Lee jumps to the front as the class manipulator. Eric describes him as having “snake in his DNA” which I would believe based on his complexion.
After all of that, Rachel asks Eric if he’ll accept her pity rose and he pity does.
15) Iggy Assailed Ya
Iggy, Iggy, Iggy…STOP TALKING ABOUT THE OTHER CONTESTANTS. What woman is gonna be like “he just did a really great job of telling me how shitty everyone else was and it made me fall in love with him”? Props to Eric for calling this out, finally, but props removed for losing his temper. Rachel is now on high alert with Eric.
So Eric does the smart thing, gathering all the men together to scream at them. That always ends well on “The Bachelorette.”
Actually it always ends with a “To Be Continued.”
Lee the Snek seems like he’s going to snek his way through the next few weeks and Eric looks like he’s going to scream himself out of the house. Kenny is still my personal favorite and Iggy’s name still rhymes with Diggy’s. Meanwhile I think Rachel is keeping Will around to hook up when the cameras stop rolling.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK KEEP ERIC’S NAME OUT YOUR MOUUUUUUUUUTH.