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Published May 14, 2011 More Info »
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Published May 14, 2011
The Worst Almonds I've Ever Eaten
?

Gas Station
I was one time eating a bag of almonds at a sub station when who should I see but Richard Dreyfuss himself . It was the only celebrity I had ever seen in person because I am from Kansas, so I approached him awkwardly ('trundling' would be accurate) spitting almond nuggets shouting, "Dreyfuss, I loved you in Mullholland Drive." He winced, slightly, as though he had studied wincing in acting school. "No, I mean, 'What About Barb'." Too late. I struggled to get the intricate charcoal portrait of him that I carry out of my pocket and it looked like I was masturbating. Hurt, I shouted, "Oh yeah, well you're no Wallace Shawn! He could act circles around you!" Man I wish I had said that.

Blood Almonds
    Because of the premium price almonds fetch, people often smuggle almonds out of California in their anus. They get traded anywhere so at anytime you could be eating anus-almonds, so I recommend just eating diamonds.

Off Brand Sneak-Attack Almond Rot
   You are absent-mindedly eating almonds one-b'-one, letting your mind wander; thinking about eating cashews and cashews sound good and you wish you had cashews... Shazad! You've bitten into a dead black almond that passed quality control and your attention and you get tastes in this order:
         1. Not almond
         2. Sour, which is wrong
         3. Soft chalk
         4. Blood grit
     And then you feel like you've committed to the almond so much at this point that you swallow, but it's slivery and dry and you have to taste it on the back of your tongue:
         1: Mature Moose slime (also a fragrance)
         2: Gym Mat
         3. Jim, Matt
     Your only solution is to drown the dead almond flavor in more almonds, which you resent. On a bad day another shit-almond will be in that almond recovery team and you will re-evaluate your life.

Bitter Almonds
  The bitter almond of the Prunus Dlucis var. Amara contains a fair chunk of cyanide and therefore should only be served to company.


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