Groupon’s are great. They’re a great idea and a great way to save a buck or two while indulging in things you normally wouldn’t.
And, I love them.
And by love, I mean I share the same feeling for Groupon’s as I do any other arbitrary thing that I don’t care about all too much. The thing is, I never feel the need to pull the trigger on purchasing one. I’ve done it a few times, but for the most part I see them, imagine what it would be like to indulge in them, click delete, and move on with my radical way of living life.
That said, please indulge me as I journey through what my Groupon purchase would be like for the purchase of a $27 Sampler of Five Mini Bottles of Olive Oils and Vinegars ($54 Value!)
When it comes to Olive Oils and Vinegars, I’m a wildman. I’ll throw that shit all over the place. What am I cooking, some vegetables? Throw some OO and V on a pan, throw those veggies in, and PARTY! Oh, some salmon? OO and V, throw the Salmon corpse down on the pan, and PARTY! Cheerios? OO and V, Cheerios, pan, PARTY! Doesn’t matter. OO and V = PARTY!!!!!!!!!
So, when Groupon promised that “in a nutshell” an online company would deliver fresh & certified California extra-virgin olive oils & vinegars to my doorsteps, I jumped! I’d be a fool not to! And trust me, I ain’tint no fool! So, I clicked buy and awaited my package on my doorstep. It should be noted that there is not step to my door. It’s just a door. I hoped this wouldn’t be a problem.
As I sat in silence for three days on a sole chair pointed directly towards the window (so I could see when the mailman arrived), I began to tire. Both physically and spiritually. Also, metaphorically. I think. That is until towards the end of day three when I saw my mailman walking by and I jumped up! (sidenote: there is a lot of jumping when it comes to purchasing OO and V. If you’re going to make this purchase, be prepared for your calves to get RIPPED!)
Anxiously opening the door, I was greeted with Rogers smile as he held his right hand out to shake mine, left hand holding my precious package.
It should be mentioned that Roger is my mailman, has been since I’ve resided in my lovely apartment building. What a treat to the world this guy is. Always smiling and though he’s 63 years old, and of age to retire, he doesn’t want to. Loves the job too much! Been doing it for 25 years now.
Prior to that he spent his previous 20 work years saving people randomly. Yeah, he was basically a superhero, just wandered around saving people’s lives. Was always in the right place at the right time. Someone choking on a bone, Roger was there to give the Heimlich. Someone held at gun point, Roger was there to talk the villain down. Someone about to get their head hit by that part of the sail boat the swirls around when you change course? Roger was there to pull the person down. Last it was counted, he saved half the current population’s lives…and he was my mailman. What. A. Lucky. Guy. I. Am.
So this worldly treasure shakes my hand, and with his other arm he goes to hand me the package, but promptly shakes a bit and falls to his knees. It dawns on me, Roger is having some sort of medical problem, I jump up in the air, put my hands on my head and yell, “NO!” Roger falls completely down to the ground, my package still in his arms.
I go down to the ground and ask him, “Roger, what’s happening, how can I help you?!!”
Roger replies in a trembling voice, “I knew this would happen one day. There was one person I wasn’t able to save in my life. She was a gypsy in Tallahassee. She was 104-years-old and allergic to peanut butter. Someone gave her a peanut butter sandwich on accident, and in her old age she ate it thinking it was a grilled cheese. I was two park benches down from her when I heard her daughter scream. When I arrived…it was too late.”
“Roger, that’s not your fault; she’s a dummy for eating that sandwich. I mean, she had 104 years to figure out she was allergic to that sandwich, she shouldn’t have eaten it. Don’t get down buddy,” I retort.
“No, it was my fault,” Roger says, holding back tears. “Right after she breathed her last breath, her daughter turned to me and said “you! You should have saved her life! I will curse you. One day you will drop to the ground and the only thing that will help you is if you ingest olive oil immediately.”"
“Roger. You’re gonna be okay!!! That’s what’s in the box!” I scream, jumping up again.
“Not that easy kiddo,” Roger says, full on crying now. “It’s gotta be a combination of meyer-lemon with fresh-basil.”
“AHHHHHHHHHHH! That’s exactly what’s in there!!” I scream, jumping again, putting my hands back on my head.
He opens the box, pulls out those delicious bottles and downs them like a watermelon flavored Gatorade!. Standing up, he wipes the tears from his eyes and leftover oil from his mouth, hugs me and says, “I saved a million lives, but you are the only one who has saved mine. You’re the real worldly treasure Justin.”
We embrace softly and he goes about delivering the rest of his mail.
Thank you Oliovera Olive Oil and Vinegars. You helped me save the World’s Greatest Treasure, Roger my mailman. Go out and buy this Groupon people, it’s worth it. Just ask Roger.