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June 05, 2013

An ode to the collection of intelligence commonly found in commercials running after 1AM.

Dear Late Night TV Commercials, 

Thank you, for exposing me to a whole new world of opportunity.

Finally, a reliable place I can turn for that lawsuit I’ve been waiting to file.  And look-  a blender that can cut right through concrete.  Not having a blade hanging around my kitchen with the strength of a small helicopter really was becoming a pressing issue for me. Luckily now, for just 17 convenient payments, that problem is solved.  

And what's this? I can get that high school diploma online now too?  I was just watching Cops re-runs at 3:30 in the morning- was my ambition that blatantly apparent?

And it doesn't stop there!

A blanket that’s actually a piece of clothing too?  Genius!  Now next time the moral dilemma pops up of whether to be warm or socially appropriate, I won’t have to make any serious sacrifices to reach a solution.  

Oh, late night T V commercials, where would we be without you?  

Not only are your products both practical and completely necessary for everyday life, but the people who help promote them are all so believable and geniune too.  

I mean, just listen to those customer testimionals!  This selection of 9 elderly people and a young couple absolutely love your massive rag that always can also transform and convert in to a coffee table quickly and easily!

Now you've sold me.  Where do I sign up?  How can I buy?  Surely, this product is so good it must be in every single store.  It's not?  It's so good you've made it not available in any stores?  Weird, but incredible!  

This must be $10,000 this amazing set of knives that can cut through granite like warm cheese.  Wait, but it's not $10,000?  It's not even $5000?  Are you kidding me, it's not even $1000?  Surely it must be $500 at least.  Oh my god it's not even $500 dollars?  You're telling me that I can have this juicer than also can collapse down and become a meat cleaver can be all mine for just 92 easy payments of $4.23?  AND IT"S A ONE TIME ONLY OFFER?!  How can one person be so blessed!


So thank you late night TV commercials- for trying to corrupt our minds, compromise, our intelligence, and sell us things that are so dumb, you are only allowed to sell them at 3AM to scattered packs of drunk college frat boys who are half asleep on their couches.  May the force be with you.