Full Credits

Stats & Data

September 18, 2014

A satirical take on the domestic abuse policy troubling the league

Roger Goodell admits fault; starts new initiative with prisons to let inmates take the field.


New York- What a complete turn around for the National Football League. What has widely been agreed upon as the worst week in NFL history because of the mishandling of the Ray Rice case and other scandals has finally, took a turn for the better. League commissioner Roger Goodell today, took the podium for a emotional interview for the public and press. What he said came unexpectedly but finally should be what the league needs for a complete image turn-around.

After starting a few minutes late, Goodell took the stage clearly looking physically exhausted. The best commissioner in NFL history has experienced a rough week. He launched into the press conference immediately with a firm apology. He wanted to be 100 % accountable for these issues . He also had a sorry to all the players that he had come down so hard on. Goodell said men like Ray Rice, and Adrian Peterson, and Greg Hardy, and Ray Mcdonald, and TJ Ward were all outstanding citizens and good men. They were just misunderstood. He said “The way to solve these problems isn’t to cut these men but keep them with their football teams so they have enough of a support system to shield them from backlash”. Goodell said “They need to focus on the greatest game on the planet and this is how we can prevent anymore violent acts from happening”. Goodell smiled for the first time since being on stage after that remark. He said “I will reinstate any current player with a criminal background because I won’t give up on them”. He needs these men to be there to help contribute to his bright new plan.

See why the public had been fretting over Adrian Peterson and Greg Hardy playing this past Sunday, Goodell had been on the phone with senators and jail wardens the last few days devising a brilliant new act. He was ready to announce the Athletic Criminal Leadership program otherwise known as the ACL program. “Starting next season, jail inmates all over the country will be allowed to audition for NFL teams through workouts held by NFL scout and coaches. The athletes that are chosen, will be allowed to leave jail. They will be pardoned by the justice system so they could experience rehabilitation through football. With great veteran leadership like Rice and Peterson, we could make an more exciting product of football that what exists now.” He also said he plans on starting a minor league in the nation’s biggest prisons to prepare these men for the biggest stage.

The press room broke out with applause. Goodell looked pleased with the room’s reaction. He said “The league has always strived to provide the best entertainment it can provide, as well as create role models for youngsters nationwide”. Goodell went on to state that Dan Synder, an NFL team owner and a man known for his charitable work with Native Americans would lead this initiative . He also said he had a leader behind the bars in OJ Simpson whom he called “A gentle man and an ex-player whom would fit perfectly with leading these incarcerated men to the field”. Depending on the success of this program, Goodell said “I have many other new charity ideas for the NFL, like the Ray Lewis Homicide Prevention Hotline or the NFL 3 yrs and up Kids for Brain Damage Awareness League”.

Before Goodell left, he took a few questions from the press. One reporter asked about players suspended for marijuana offenses and if they would be included in the reinstatements of the players. Goodell said that “Unfortunately marijuana is detrimental to the nation and any athlete that smokes is dangerous to his fellow athletes and citizens”. Goodell then left to another round of applause from the press. Roger Goodell is a man with pure motives and true leadership, a man who we could all take a page out of his book.

What could of been the the last sad period of the NFL’s story is now the beginning of new paragraph for this league full of role models.

-Thomas Fatora is an experienced sports writer whom has had many years in the business. He’s a reporter who seeks only the truth but is also a passionate fan of football. His favorite football players are Lionel Messi, Clint Dempsey, and Neymar.