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Published January 20, 2009

So, last night, I was watching Spike TV, and a little show they have call "Manswers" came on...

It's a show that handles many of Man's Toughest Questions, IE: How durable are breast implants, does any species of animal engage in prostitution other than Humans... so on any so forth...

(Durable enough to withstand a microwave, and a 350LB man belly flopping on them, but not a bullet.... and Yes, chimpanzees... if you were curious....)

As a long time student of Philosophy, I love that show. (I took a 1 semester directed study in High school, and had to write 4, yes... 4... 500+ word papers in one night.... got a A on all of them... Yes... I used to write good an' stuff.)

Anyways... One of the topics Manswers answered last night was "What kind of music is most likely to make you want to kill yourself?".... They offered solutions of "Heavy Metal"... "Rap"... "Bagpipes".... But it turns out it's none of them....

It's Country!

Now, as a long time fan of Country Music (Garth Brooks is playing as I type this...), I started to take offense... even when they showed stats that the major metro areas with the most Country stations do, indeed, have the highest suicide rates...

I've always believed that Stonesour's "Bother" was the most "self-lynching inducing" song in the world... but, it's just my opinion...

After the segment, they went to commercial... and I flipped channels... The next channel on my dial is GAC... the Country music video channel... And the video that was playing was about NASCAR. (And as I have previously stated, the Daytona 500 is the third holiest day in my religion...) So, I started watching it...

.... And the song seemed unfamiliar to me.....

................. As did the artist singing it.....

............................... And when I saw who it was.... I cringed... and wept........

.................................................... Kevin Costner is now a Country singer..........

And suddenly.... I knew Manswers was right..... as I now felt.... while watching what was being passed off as Country music.... A strong urge to grab the bat by my chair.... and beat myself until the pain stopped.....

It's official.... Kevin Costner wants me dead.... How else can you explain anyone letting that talentless Hack put out an album... No, not just one song.... an entire God-Forsaken album.....

I feel so cold now.....

- Kenny G.

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