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June 23, 2016

Millennials live a weird and dangerous lifestyle that is ruining humanity.

In case you haven’t heard, dating in modern America is bonkers. And it’s all the millennials’ fault! Basic principles of dignity and class in the dating world that have stood through generations and generations of couples have all been thrown out the window and replaced by vanity and laziness. Millennials live a weird and dangerous lifestyle that is ruining humanity.

The following are six disturbing trends in millennial dating.


1. Having All Of Their Sex On Facebook

It always happens the same way: One person posts about something going on in their life and that person’s significant other will post some kind of reassuring or overly affectionate reply and then the original poster will come back with a “thnx, luv you babe [kissy face emoji]” and then the other one will ask “What are you wearing?” and then the “I‘m rubbing my nipples” reply and then “I swear I can taste you rn” and on and on until they have completed a full sex act over facebook comments and I’m like, gag me with a spoon over here!

It’s like, can’t you wait to do that when you’re together in person or over the phone or in adjacent bathroom stalls like normal people? Just another example of this millennial generation getting it all wrong.


2. Refusing to use labels like “boyfriend” or “girlfriend" or “going steady,” and instead saying they’re “interning together at a startup.“

I just don’t get this one. If you are spending every weekend together, talking all the time, or heck, if you got a pair of their draws at your house? Then honey: you got yourself a boyfriend. It’s just a word! You don’t have to correct me every time I refer to the man that YOU ARE SPENDING 90% OF YOUR TIME WITH as your boyfriend!

“Nah, we just both got an internship at this dope startup and the company is growing fast so we are very busy and end up working weekends together a lot.” Psshh, heard that before. “And we get along well and he had a bedroom open up at his apartment just as my lease ran out, so we became roommates. It’s not romantic at all.“ Yeah, yeah, yeah, call it whatever you want. I’ll call him your BOYFRIEND.

But don’t worry, I’ll make sure not to embarrass you in front of her because you’re apparently 7 years old.
*shaking my damn head*


3. Googling their local Congressman before even meeting their date in person.

This is something my generation couldn’t even dream of! Sure, if you were going on a blind date you’d ask some friends if they know who your local representative is. You might get a name, a few rumors about what they’re like, or, if you were lucky, a quick “I heard she’s cute.” But these days, daters can plug the information into Google and get a laundry list of facts, history, and photos of their local Congressman before they even look into their date’s eyes!

Call me old fashioned, but I enjoy the thrill of getting to know my local Congressman with my date, IN PERSON.


4. “Franchising"

Everyone’s heard of “ghosting” and “benching”but, if you can believe it, the millennials have come up with yet another one. “Franchising" is when one millennial has decided that they don’t want to date the other anymore but instead of having the tough breakup conversation, they just set up a date for a specific time and day at a popular restaurant franchise, like say an Olive Garden. Then, knowing full well their date assumes they are talking about a certain Olive Garden, the one who is afraid to breakup will go to a DIFFERENT Olive Garden location in the area, thus standing up their date and leaving them wondering if they just made a mistake or if they done got franchised.

Bunch of sick freaks.


5. Worrying more about how many likes on Instagram the pictures of them mutually masturbating are getting than being present in the act of masturbating while watching their partner masturbate.

Mutual masturbation, when done the right way, is like putting blinders on. Setting, movement, and pets that are in the room, all dissappear. What you can see is your partner in private ecstasy and transferring that perceived ecstasy onto yourself through the use, control, and mastery of your own body.

WHO CARES how many likes all the pictures you take of each other kneeling naked on your bed get?! You should be concentrating on getting closer to your partner. Closer, but not touching. Never touching.


6. Not committing to the person they are clearly dating just in case Michael J. Fox comes along.

Get it through your thick skulls, millennials! Michael J. Fox is not walking through that door! You have a perfectly nice and interesting person right in front of you. Commit! If I had a dime for every time I hear a young person talk about how they spend every night sleeping over at a person’s house and then say the two of them are “talking” or “just having fun", because, “you know, I want to technically be single in case I meet and fall in love with Michael J. Fox.” I’d be rich!