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June 30, 2010



Hello again, my fellow colleagues and all-around hilarious peeps!

Welcome to Week #2 of Wednesday Nite Re-Write, the Jitterbug Edition.

This is the 'contest' where YOU, the esteemed members of Funny or Die, get to upstage the 'PRO's of late-night joke writing. We select jokes from "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" monologues that kinda, sorta......sucked, .....and give YOU the opportunity to write a better punchline.

We will use jokes of the past week from The Tonight Show
( or another late-night telecast in the event of a summer repeat. ) 

As you may already know, Paul the Zombie runs a weekend contest where
you take a topic and write a joke in monologue form. It is that contest
that inspired this one.

With Paul's permission, I have been chosen to run this outfit as I wish,
so I will try to do my best by him.

Last week was my first attempt at posting an interactive blog and
I am pleased with it's success. However, as I thought about it,
there was room for improvement.

First and foremost, last week was an effort to be a lead-in to the Zombie weekend contest. The Wednesday night to Thursday night time frame left
little time for making entries and left me with little time for judging
before the weekend. As a result, I dropped the ball. 

That is why, starting tonight, there will be a couple of changes to make
the 'contest' more attainable, interesting, and easy to judge.

Starting tonight, you will have 5-6 days to make an entry. That's right!
You will have until next Tuesday 11:59 pm EDT to make a post.

Not only that, you will have three (3) jokes to choose from instead of two!
You may enter as often as you'd like, for all 3 jokes.
Remember to keep the jokes FCC friendly in order to make it 'fair' for
the professionals.

I, Bob, a.k.a. Jitterbug, will be sole judge for this event. In keeping with tradition, I will be judging blindly so as not to be influenced by knowing who wrote it. There are no badges to be awarded, but there will be the
satisfaction of knowing YOU are better than those who
get paid to write this stuff!

I consider all entries to be better than the originals, but I can only
choose so many.
Therefore, I will be selecting my favorite 5 entries for each joke.
The top 5 entries for each joke will be posted on next Wednesday's blog.

With deepest apologies to last week's entrants for my tardiness,
here are the results for last week's contest :

#1) After the game, they asked Ron Artest if he was going to Disney World.
He said, "No, I'd rather go to Compton." That's what he said.
And here's the amazing part:

5] Compton Council Members suddenly decided
                       to move the neighborhood to Seattle.
- Topper38

4] Compton doesn't want him there. - Mervin97

3] he would rather hang with rats than mice. - Chukkling

2] and so did every Black character Disney has. - RunSilentRunDeep

1] he said even he can't afford to go to Disney World. - Chukkling


#2) Let's see what's going on with BP CEO Tony Hayward, otherwise known as
the "lying king." You see, Hayward told Congress yesterday that he was
"deeply sorry, deeply sorry" about the Gulf oil spill.
He would have apologized sooner, but:

5] he was with Kevin Costner pitching an idea for Water World 2. - Buttermilk

4] he really hates the ocean, it's icky. - Mervin97

3] his sensitivity trainer got pissed off. - RunSilentRunDeep

2] I had to go to the Wizard of Oz and get a heart. - Chukkling

1] he was making plans for this year's bonus. - Mervin97


Thanks to all who participated,
and again I apologize for waiting until today to post the results.

And now, here are this week's jokes.
The punchlines are underlined in bold type.  
Video links are provided for your convenience.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to make the joke bigger,
better, and jazzier than the professionals of late-night.


1) Have you heard about this?....A professional masseuse claims Al Gore*
made unwanted sexual advances toward her back in 2006.
But here's the worst part :
He started lecturing her about her dependence on foreign massage oil.

*Al Gore: Former U.S. vice president; Nobel Prize winner; environmentalist; internet designer;                          nerd.

Start time 0:57


2) The FDA says this new female Viagra pill that was supposed to come out -
remember they said it was no big deal.
Now they say the pill is not as effective as first thought.
In fact, the only way it works now is :
for a woman to take a glass of wine at George Clooney's  house.

Start time 4:45


3) And Mexico has filed a brief in U.S. federal court to stop Arizona's immigration law. And while they're at it, they've also asked :
the court to stop Taco Bell from calling itself 'Mexican' food.
Could they do that, please?

Start time 2:40


Thank you for your participation.
And be sure to check out Paul the Zombie's Weekend Monologue contest, where there is a different judge each week and PRIZES are awarded!
His contest begins on Friday, so keep an eye out for announcements.