Telling your kids that you and their father are getting divorced and that everyone’s lives will never ever be the same again doesn’t have to be a drag. With a little bit of creativity and a dash of emotional detachment, you can deliver a divorce declaration that’s fun for the whole family — especially you.
1. Outsource To A Robot
Getting another person, like a lawyer of family friend, to tell your kids that you and their piece of shit father are headed for Splitsville is so passé. In the age of self-crashing Teslas and Skype for dogs, what cooler way to drop the D-day bomb than through the cutting-edge prism of technology. “Alexa, please inform Crimson and Dakota that mommy and daddy are getting a divorce and from hereon in will only be communicating via a court-appointed meditator.”
2. Make A Winona Wall
Do as families whose lives have already been destroyed by divorce do and communicate your important piece of news via one of these shabby chic DIY ouija walls.
3. Harness The Power Of Cinema
Round up all your spawnlings and tell them they’re off to Disneyland. When you’re half way there yell out “JOKES!” before hard-lefting it to the cinema for a private screening of Kramer vs. Kramer. They should get the hint about halfway through. If they don’t, you probably have a flock of faulty children on your hands.
Announce the happy news over Snapchat ten minutes after you drop them off at summer camp. Two out of fifty-five thousand child psychologists recommend this approach.
5. Use A Diorama
If your kids are visual learners like mine* you’re definitely going to want to go the diorama route. No words required. Just position the mommy figurine squat-crying in the shower as the daddy figurine loads garbage bags of clothes into the trunk of his car. Again, they should get the hint pretty quickly. If they don’t = intellectual problems.
6. Tell them EVERYTHING
Harsh, but effective. Take your precious little baby-cakes to a remote, creepy campsite where, over a round of roasted marshmallows (a.k.a. the last supper), you ease them in with a few urban legends. When they’re categorically petrified and begging to go home, hit them with the most terrorizing tale of all: your marriage for the last 4 years — therapists fees and all. Gwenyth Paltrow, Madonna, and Branjelina are all said to be huge fans of this approach.
7. Or You Could Just Not Tell Them At All
Because who you choose to date, divorce, and spend the rest of your life furiously obsessing over has nothing to do with that seven year old who sleeps down the hall. Tell that munch munch to mind their own beeswax.
*The author of this article doesn’t have children, nor has she ever been divorced.