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Published July 20, 2012

Game Tokens, a Glory Hole, and Redemption

 

I was unlucky enough that my twin sons' birthday fell on one of my weekends with them, so I was responsible for their birthday party. Of course, they wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese. I took them and two of their friends, Stinky and Buttnut.
 
It was hard to find parking. Also, I couldn't even listen to my Jerky Boys tapes on the drive, because I knew my kids were too stupid and would repeat the cuss words in front of their mom and her dumbass boyfriend, DeShawn.
 
When we got inside, I was shocked by how loud all the kids were. I asked if we could get a seat away from any kids. They said they couldn't do that. The only table that was open was next to the ball pit, the LOUDEST place in the entire restaurant. Kids were throwing balls, completely unsupervised. One of them bonked me in the head and called me “dicktooth”!
 
I bought $10 worth of tokens for my kids. Because it was my kids' birthday party, their ugly friends expected me to buy them tokens, too. I gave them $3 to split, just so they would leave me alone. I thought I could finally relax a little bit. I ordered a highball from the waiter. He said that they didn't have highballs! They didn't even have beer!!! What kind of pizza restaurant doesn't have liquor?
 
The two little morons blew through their $3 like there was no tomorrow, so they came and sat at the table with me again. They started complaining that they were hungry and bored. I didn't want to, but I gave in and ordered a medium cheese pizza for us all to split, just so they would shut up. Then this dumb robot band started playing. All the kids started going nuts. They're not even playing real instuments! The jerky boys have more talent in one of their dialing fingers than that whole band does.
 
I had to go to the bathroom (from drinking soda, like a sizzlechest). On the walk, I was seriously considering just leaving my kids there. I was thinking about disappearing to Mexico or maybe just saying that I got kidnapped. I got to the bathroom and went in a stall. My plan was to try to squeeze out a shit, just so I could be away from the brats as long as possible. That is when I spotted it, my savior, a jewel in the cold steel, the most glorious glory hole I have ever seen.
 
I quickly dropped trou and plunged my dongle into the dark chasm. The edges of this hole were the most luxurious that I have ever experienced. They felt like they had been sanded with velvet. When I noticed the foot grooves carved into the floor, I knew that I was in for a treat. This was truly the finest GH craftsmanship I have ever seen. It was so comfortable, I could have stood there for hours. I was having the time of my life, and the blojo hadn't even started yet!
 
They must not let whoever was in that other stall have any pizza, because they went to town like they hadn't eaten for a week. They were scratching the walls and stomping, all while devouring my hog. This lady worked hard! She made me forget all about the $3 I wasted on the turds outside. Even though I could tell she had an alarming amount of facial hair for a woman, I could not complain. Just when I thought things couldn't get any better, she must have pulled a lever or something, and 5 more holes appeared in the wall. She started playing whack-a-mole with my ding dong! That is when I finally felt love again. I climaxed harder than I ever have in my life. I thanked the kind woman in the next stall. She said “Sure, bro” in a deep, almost masculine voice.
 
I marched back to the main floor. I stopped by the cashier booth. I bought $100 worth of tokens. I spotted my sons and their friends moping at the table. I snuck up behind them and yelled, “Who's ready to have some fun!” Then I tossed the tokens into the air. They rained down on the boys. They danced in nearly the same ecstasy as I had just experienced. When we had spent all of them, I bought $100 more. The pizza was disgusting, but it didn't matter.
 
My sons told me they loved me for the first time in years. When I dropped them off at their mother's house the next morning, I told her that I still loved her and that I wanted her back. She said that she felt the same way. I moved back in. We both quit our jobs and started a non-profit. By the end of this year, we hope to open our first orphanage in Uganda. I have never been happier, and I owe it all to that special someone in the Chuck E. Cheese bathroom.
 
5 stars!!!!!!!!!!!
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