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February 19, 2015
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An articulate and well thought out analysis of why Sheryl Crow is irrefutably better than Beyoncé.

1) This Article Is Clickbait, Sheryl Crow Isn’t Better Than Beyoncé

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This article has an intentionally infuriating title that you clicked on just so you could read it and disagree. It’s called clickbait and it’s shitty and I’m sorry for misleading you. Sheryl Crow isn’t better than Beyoncé.

2) You’re Still Reading This

Not sure why you’re still here. I made it pretty clear just now that this was a trick (and a poor one at that) so you really have no reason to stick around. I mean, thank you? I spent time on this. Not a lot of time, but some. I don’t know. It’s a little awkward. It’s OK to leave. I won’t mind. I already got your click.

3) Sheryl Crow Sings Better Than Beyoncé

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I don’t think Sheryl Crow sings better than Beyoncé, I just put that there so you would get angry again and keep reading. It was another trick. How did you not see that coming? Sheryl Crow has a fantastic voice, rich with soul and nuance no doubt, but it doesn’t compare to Queen B’s range and versatility. She’s queen for a reason.

4) You Just Clicked This To Be Angry

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Seriously. Think about that. You just clicked on this article to get pissed off because someone has a different opinion than you. Is that really how you want to spend the few precious hours in a day that stack together to eventually make up your life? It seems like a waste. You probably were going to leave an angry comment calling me dumb. You’re not wrong, I’m definitely dumb, but you don’t have to be a dick about it. You wouldn’t say that to me in real life.

5) I Got Drunk Last Night And Bought Sheryl Crow’s First Album On iTunes At 2AM

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I’ve been dealing with some personal shit lately and thought getting drunk in a room by myself might help fix some of my problems. It didn’t. It temporarily turned the brightness down on some of the issues, sure, but I still had the same headaches in the morning. I also had an actual headache. I also had Sheryl Crow’s 1993 debut album, Tuesday Night Music Club. I purchased it on iTunes at 2 a.m., super weird move. I think I really wanted to hear one of the songs (not entirely sure which one) and decided to invest in the whole album. It’s pretty good, but I still regret the purchase. Writing this piece about Sheryl Crow is my way of trying to justify the $9.99 I spent.

6) I Also Downloaded The Lion King At 2AM

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I wish I was making some of this up. I mean, I don’t know what I was trying to do here. Like, watch The Lion King on mute and listen to Sheryl Crow? I think that’s exactly what I was trying to do. Suffice to say, I didn’t get around to either. I just fell asleep in most of my clothes on top of an unmade bed. I’m 27 years old and I’m not much closer to figuring out what I’m doing with my life than when I was 17. All I wanna do is have some fun. That’s a thing related to what I’m talking about, but it’s also a Sheryl Crow lyric from that album I bought.

7) You Haven’t Read A Book In Three Years

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You haven’t read a book in three years and you’re still reading this? It’s crazy. Again, I put some time into it, so I appreciate your attention, I just think you should maybe try to focus on reading words that might expand your mental horizons instead of this mediocre clickbait commentary that has now spiraled into some meta self-aware thought-hole. It’s your life, do what you want and I’ll try to stay out of your business. I’m just concerned that the best minds of this generation will be wasted taking “Which Degrassi character are you?” quizzes and looking at cat GIFs. Go ahead and do those things too. Just maybe read a book once in a while. They don’t bite.

8) My Roommate Has Never Seen The Lion King

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He’s a 27-year-old who grew up in America and has never seen The Lion King. I don’t even know how that’s possible. Maybe drunk me was taking the first step toward scheduling a movie night with him. I don’t think that’s the case. I think I just wanted to watch The Lion King on mute and listen to Sheryl Crow’s first album. God, that is so weird to think about. Drunk me scares me sometimes.

9) Sheryl Crow Is A Better Song Writer Than Beyoncé

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Again, this is not a thing I believe. It was just another lie to make you angry and keep you around. Why are you so easy to trick? How did you not get fully abducted as a kid? I apologize if you got fully abducted as a kid. That joke was for people who didn’t get fully abducted as a kid, which I hope is most, if not all, of you. But yeah, Sheryl Crow had a bunch of people cowrite her songs and then she took credit for and it caused a whole falling out (just read about it on her Wikipedia page which means it must be true), so she’s not better than Beyoncé. Beyoncé has people cowrite her songs, too. Maybe Sheryl Crow is equal to Beyoncé in this category.

10) Sheryl Crow Has Aged Really Well

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This is just a general note that based on the images I saw of her while researching this article for seven minutes, Sheryl Crow looks terrific for 53 years old. Good for you, Sheryl. I don’t know if I’ll ever get married, but if I do, I hope my wife is still hot at 53 years old. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love my theoretical wife either way. Like, if she completely lets herself go, I’ll still love her as a person but physical attraction might be an issue. Maybe we could work it out for our theoretical kids. I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going lately. But yeah, Sheryl Crow is still a babe. Having said all that, Beyoncé will probably age better.

11) I Honestly Don’t Know Why You’re Still Reading This

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I feel like I could say anything at this point, and you’d just stick around to see how it ends. Almost like that book with Grover where there’s a monster at the end of the book. The monster turns out to be Grover. It’s a great book, sorry if I spoiled it for you. Still totally worth reading, the journey is the destination kind of thing. You can actually get a digital interactive copy of the book on iTunes for half the cost of Sheryl Crow’s first album. Definitely wish I bought two copies of this book instead of one copy of her album.

12) Look At This Nice Picture Of Beyoncé And Sheryl Crow

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See? They’re friends. Or something. I don’t totally know. They’re at least cool enough to pose together for a picture. I guess the point here, if there is one — and I don’t think there is — is that lists designed to needlessly compare two great things and piss people off are the devil. This was supposed to be a commentary on that, but it melted into some pretty self-indulgent bullshit. Anyway, you made it to the bottom, so congrats! Or whatever. Now go share this with your five most easily agitated friends on Facebook and watch them get pissed off at the title without actually reading any of it.

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