WASHINGTON DC –
Under intense pressure from his military advisers who want to step up the campaign against ISIS, President Trump today revealed that his secret plan to defeat the terrorist organization is the well-known comedian and Family Feud host Steve Harvey.
According to sources inside the Joint Chiefs of Staff, top generals pressed Mr. Trump repeatedly to share his plan to defeat ISIS, also known as DAESH, in a closed-door meeting this week. The president refused to explain the much sought-after strategy, citing national security, until one of the generals said to others in the room “he obviously doesn’t have a secret plan” at which point Mr. Trump said that he did, too.
When pressed further, Mr Trump said it was written down in Trump Tower and that he would bring it in the next time they met. One general said that he would go get it right now if Mr. Trump told him where it was in Trump Tower, at which point Mr. Trump said it was too hard to explain where it was.
Another general said he could call Trump Tower and ask someone who works for Mr. Trump to get the plan, since they were likely familiar with the place Mr. Trump kept it. Mr. Trump replied that the place he kept the plan was in a closet under some stuff and it would too hard to find if you didn’t know where to look.
Another general then said “you’re a big liar. You don’t even have a plan.” At which point Mr. Trump blurted out the name Steve Harvey, with whom he had lunched recently.
Mr. Harvey, a famous comedian, television host, radio personality, actor, author and singer, is not well known in military circles. The generals immediately pressed Mr. Trump to give them more details, who replied that he had revealed too much already. Mr. Trump then stood up and held a phone to his ear, saying he had to take a call from an important head of state who had a very big deal to make. When one of the generals said that his phone had not even rung, Mr. Trump said that his phone had a secret ring that only he could hear, and then began talking to the phone as if someone was on the line.
Although the generals were skeptical that Steve Harvey would turn out to be a key component in the struggle to defeat ISIS, they immediately contacted his agent and scheduled a visit with him on the set of the Steve Harvey show for the following Tuesday.
“While Steve Harvey is obviously not the key to defeating DAESH” said General Beauregard Newton, “we have reason to believe the president may have shown him the secret plan when Mr. Harvey was at Trump Tower. And if so, Mr. Harvey might be able to tell us in which closet Mr. Trump keeps it.”
When asked for comment, a spokesman for ISIS said via email that they had no fear of the apostate Steve Harvey. And furthermore that the prophet forbids surveys of any kind, especially those dealing with 5 most popular bar-b-que meats, or naming a husband’s favorite parts of his wives’ bodies.
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