This week’s tweets have all plead ‘Not Guilty.“
How do you plead?— Terry F (@daemonic3) March 23, 2016
"Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts"
Bribery is illeg-
"A baker's dozen" *winks*
I hope that if I get married my husband won't murder me. But I've watched enough Forensic Files to know: it's going to happen— nina (@smeagolsfree) March 20, 2016
cops in shorts should only be able to arrest children— Pete Holmes (@peteholmes) March 16, 2016
Can't believe someone died in her legs pic.twitter.com/nIHmAlZEvz— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) March 23, 2016
me: "we commemorate the day you died every year"— k e i t h (@KeetPotato) March 24, 2016
jesus: "thats nice, what's the day called?"
me: "bad friday"
Fun Fact: The mall Easter bunny has a human dick— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) March 24, 2016
dolphin fact #12: a dolphin is the same shape and size as a really big hot dog with wings— Steve (@WigCannon) March 23, 2016
I like my bridges like I like my... I'm not sure how to do this but the punchline is Nash Bridges, the TV show.— Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan) March 24, 2016
potato, or as the ancients called it, butter's car— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) March 23, 2016
My birthstone is a peanut M&M.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 24, 2016
A funny thing to do is to tap on the person in front of you in a theater and say, “sorry to bother you, but what are some other movies?”— Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) March 24, 2016
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:— Lord Pinky (@HiddenPinky) March 23, 2016
"You like Nirvana? What's your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?"
"Yeah, me, too."
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger— Hippo (@InternetHippo) March 22, 2016
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I've thought about Gwen Stefani being older than Ted Cruz every day since I heard that information.— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) March 21, 2016
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.— AlexaMac Brandes (@TheWoodenslurpy) September 21, 2015
(On my death bed)— Boyce R. Backintown (@mattytalks) March 22, 2016
Son, in 2016 I paid 40 bucks for in-flight wifi so I could tweet "homegirl got a waffle pussy" on my way to New York
I tell my kids is that if a kid tells them, "My dad could beat up your dad", they should never give that kid our address.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 24, 2016
Parents tell you their baby's weight because they have no other information. They can't say "Meet Jim, a free spirit who's into yodeling."— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) March 23, 2016
One thing about getting old is forgetting why you have a grudge against someone, which is why you should keep a spreadsheet.— colson whitehead (@colsonwhitehead) March 19, 2016
tfw when you pee too hard and the stream launches you thru the wall and you enter low orbit and coat the earth in a ruinous piss— cory palmer (@corypalmer) March 20, 2016
If ghosts aren't real, then how do you explain the existence of ghosts— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) March 23, 2016
I wish my dog could sing the Titanic theme— Perfume Genius (@perfumegenius) March 24, 2016
I know I have some MC Escher tweets around here somewhere *goes upstairs to basement on roof and turns into a duck*— chRis (@seethenare) March 18, 2016
Home is where the assortment of piles I'm ignoring is— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) March 13, 2016
You have to cherish life, it goes by in a blur. I've been slipping on a banana peel since 1998, just whizzing by everything.— pat tobin (@tastefactory) March 24, 2016
When I die, at the eulogy I want my boxing coach to walk up coffin, and begin: "One! two! three! four! Five! Six! He's not getting up!"— Garry Shandling (@GarryShandling) May 19, 2011