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What’s the best song? Who’s the best singer? Music lovers from all over the world have been flipping their shit trying to figure it out. Thankfully, the Grammys are just around the corner!

This year’s race is gonna be tight, tight, tight! So at the end of the ceremony, who’s gonna go home with one of those shiny gold sound holes? And who’s gonna be punching themselves in the face with shame and regret? I’m a famous music critic, and here are my picks:

RECORD OF THE YEAR

Who’s Gonna Win: “Blurred Lines” by Robin Thicke. This song was on the radio non-stop this year, and the academy loves that. From standing in line at the grocery store to standing in line at the bank, America couldn’t stop tapping its toes to the lite funk noises of this jaunty little tune. Nothing spells Grammy gold quite like a song that won't give up. “Blurred Lines” for the win.

Close Call: “Get Lucky” by Daft Punk. I absolutely loved the way this song pervaded every aspect of my waking life and also my dream life too. Shoe stores, coffee shops, Wal-Marts, gas stations… “Get Lucky” was everywhere, and I think it could pay off big time for these two hideous Frenchmen.

SONG OF THE YEAR

Who’s Gonna Win: “Roar” by Katy Perry. I’ll never forget the first time I heard “Roar.” I was blown away! I thought, “Wow, haven’t I heard this before?” And maybe I had. I take that escalator through the mall to get to work everyday. But that’s the beauty of a Katy Perry song: even the first time feels like you’ve been hearing it your whole life. As one day bleeds into the next, there’s sweet Katy, belting her heart out again and again and again. “Roar” is the song of the year.

Who Could Also Win: “Royals” by Lorde. She might be new to the scene, but in 2013, you couldn’t walk past a traffic jam without hearing the frail baying of Lorde. “Royals” wasn’t nearly as omnipresent as other songs in this field, but I definitely heard it every time I filled a prescription. And that might just be enough for this curly-headed kiwi to nab that sweet, sweet Grammy gold. “Royals” could easily win.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR

Who’s Gonna Win: The Heist, Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. Did you know 37% of all commercials made in 2013 contained a song from The Heist? That’s a fact, almost. Whether you love em or hate em, you can’t deny that Mack and Ryan had a certain “inescapability” factor that Grammy voters really respond to. The Heist is the Album of the Year!

Or Maybe It’s This One: Red, Taylor Swift. This is a tough one. I definitely heard a lot of songs from this album. And I heard them a lot. Taylor Swift did a masterful job of making sure these songs were always on at Starbucks. But did I hear them enough for Red to win a Grammy? Geez, I don’t know. I just don’t know. Hm… I don’t know. Maybe. But I don’t know.

Face Punch: The Blessed Unrest, Sara Bareilles. I don’t know who or what or how this is. Bad job, Sara Bareilles.

BEST NEW ARTIST

Who’s Gonna Win: Ed Sheeran. This is the toughest category to call because it’s all about potential. You have to ask yourself, “Which one of these guys has the potential to make a song with the power to linger over your days and nights like a dense fog for month after month after month?” For my money, it’s gotta be Ed Sheeran, partially, because I like the name “Ed” and partially because he’s not actually a new artist even a little bit.

And those are my Grammy picks! Please keep in mind, I also think everyone not mentioned above could win too. Thanks for reading!

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