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October 22, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Iran has reportedly agreed to nuclear negotiations with the United States after the presidential elections. Which is going to be awkward when Ron Paul wins.

However, the White House is denying the story. Especially because they're not sure how, but they think it will somehow cost them the election.

Meanwhile, Israel claims it was never told about any such agreement between Iran and America. America tried to tell Israel it means nothing but Israel just got in its Firebird and drove away real fast.

1972 Democratic nominee for president George McGovern passed away on Sunday. McGovern lost in a landslide to Nixon, which explains his tombstone, "I Told You So."

Singer Adele has reportedly given birth to a baby boy. Adele was said to be happy yet in tears afterwards, so now she knows what it's like to listen to her own music.

For the first time ever, the pope made a Native American a saint. That's Kateri Tekakwitha, the patron saint of late apologies.

The Boston Red Sox are rumored to have hired their former pitching coach John Farrell as manager. And if that doesn't work out, you're up, 14-year-old ball boy.

Sting is moving the location of one of his concerts because the venue has been protested by environmentalists. Also by people in the area with ears.

In Oregon, a couple had their puppy stolen at gunpoint. Authorities warn that the man is to be considered armed and just really awful.

Boxer Orlando Cruz won his first fight since revealing he's gay. And according to the rules, his opponent now must also become gay.