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June 14, 2008


I recently became certified as a lifeguard.  The class and training was quite intense considering I have been a big pansy about plugging my nose for the last twenty plus years.  I mean its not too often you see a lifeguard with a flipping noseplug.  Anyways, today I was sitting up on the seat that feels like it is five stories high and I noticed a teenage boy hanging on to the ledge underneath me and to my right...he wasn't drowning so I wasn't paying too close attention to the ugly bastard.  To make a long story even longer, the excruciating fifteen minutes that I had to sit up there I noticed that he was just sitting there smiling.  No one was around he wasn't looking at anything..I didn't know what kind of shenanagins that punk was up to....until I realized he was by a jet.  That little horn-ball sat with his crotch pressed up against the jet stream for a good fifteen minutes.  I wanted to yell down at him "What the fuck?!" But like I learned in lifeguard school "that wouldn't be professional."  Well then my mind started to wander...what am I going to do when this turd blows his wad in the pool?  Do we need an evacuation?  Should he lose his pool membership?  Do we give him a high five?  What the hell?!  While my brain is running in circles about this "dilema" I realize how extremely warm I am...the sun is beating down on my fair, freckly skin....I'm thirsty....I'm trying to observe the water for kids that suck at swimming...then I look down and that boner has turned around and it taking the blower up the pooper.  By this time my face starts to hurt, from all the sunlight and my laughter at the entire situation.  As my "relief" comes and swtiches with me and I take the long ladder down to reality, I see the jet hog swim to the other side of the pool and get out.  What the fuck did I just witness?!  I feel like a pedafile...but during our break the lifeguards were swimming around and we were acting like third graders, I found myelf next to the legde and felt the jet blow on my leg....needless to say I know how mr.puberty got his jet fetish.