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May 31, 2012

Let me see your wiener, bro.


It has been brought to my attention that a friend of mine has an enormous penis.

I’m a straight male.
Straight as an arrow.
Have dated beautiful ladies.
Love chicks.
All about the babes.
Boobs are awesome.
What up shawty?!
I’m heterosexual as fuuuuuck.
But I want to see this thing.
The legend of this flesh monster has been passed down to me by ex-girlfriends that were eager to find an ear to listen to their pain. The detailed accounts from multiple eye witnesses make it sound like it can be seen from space. That it is so large, the penis also has a smaller penis and comes complete with a central nervous system. There have been multiple attempts to peek while the subject was in shorts or boxers, but to my dismay they have proven unsuccessful. My repeated failures have only increased my desire to lay eyes on this wang. Unbeknownst to him, his large member has become my Atlantis. My White Whale. My Carmen San Diego. I don't want to see this dick. I NEED to see this dick.
I am sexually attracted to women.
I can’t just go up to him and be like “Bro, let me see what kind of girth you rockn' under dem jeans.” I mean techincally I could, but chances are that would cause irreparable damage to our friendship. I need a game plan if I’m going to pull off a caper of this magnitude. So I ponder.....
I’m straight, guys.
The best plan I can think of at the moment is the public restroom peep (PRP). There are pros and cons to this strategy. PRO: This plan puts me in the same room as the exposed penis, one quick glance away from putting this whole mess to rest. CON: The problem lies in the bathroom environment itself, as it requires a perfect storm. First, a few people need to be in the restroom (but not too many and preferably at beginning-mid stream)  creating two open urinals next to each other. Basic male bathroom conduct specifies that two dudes shall not use adjacent urinals when other pee receptacles are unoccupied. This also includes stalls, so there needs to be a couple bros moving their bowels. If everything falls into place and we are pissing next to each other, the actual side scope is an extremely delicate situation in it's own right. If I get caught, I not only possibly lose a great friend but in turn I gain a reputation as a urinal dick checker. That, my friends, is a life ruiner.
I’m not gay, I swear.
Men, we all have dicks. Big dicks, little dicks, skinny dicks, fat dicks. I watch porn. I played sports. I've seen a whole lot of dicks. But when I recieve word that I have been around a uniquely spectacular meat cannon without even knowing it, my curiosity gets the best of me. I worry that when this article is published, people who misunderstand my plight will see me out on the street and start helicoptering their respective peeners at me. I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR DICK. There is only one dick I want to see.
I will peep this d.
Have I mentioned I’m straight?