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September 11, 2014

Let's get rid of the most communist statistic of all: the assist.

Dear Commissioner Adam Silver,

On behalf of all true Americans across the world, I urge you to abolish the most anti-capitalist statistic of all: the assist.

Sure, passing the ball to another player so that he can score is a necessary part of the game, any idiot can see that. But we don’t need to glorify it by keeping track of them. What kind of message does it send our children? That passing is okay? Mr. Silver, scoring is clearly the only part of the game that matters. After all, scoring is the only way we can defeat the other team. And sir, by threatening to keep us out of the playoffs, these teams threaten our very way of life.

There used to be a time when a man was a man and America was America. When everyone had meatloaf for dinner and Wilt Chamberlain was averaging 50 points a game. Man, those were the days. I wasn’t alive, of course, but I saw some highlights on YouTube. He also scored 100 points a few times. Now that’s as American as apple pie from Wal-Mart. But who are the big stars of today’s NBA? Chris Paul, Kyrie Irving, Raymond Felton – even LeBron James is celebrated for his passing ability.

Who do I blame? Well Obama of course, but more on that later. It really started in the 1990s. America was enjoying the booming economy built by Ronald Reagan and George Bush, unemployment was low, and everything seemed great. But in the shadows lurked a menace that would threaten to undermine our very way of life. That’s right: John Stockton and Karl Malone. America’s Marx and Engels. They used cool dunks and NBA Finals appearances as a Trojan horse to expose America’s youth to the purple menace: the insidious assist.

I don’t want to suggest any conspiracies here, but if you fold a John Stockton jersey over exactly the right way 3 times, and then unfold it, it says the word “Jazz” on the front. And much like jazz musicians destroyed America in the 1950s using marijuana,the Utah Jazz destroyed it once again using bounce passes to the low post. Not only did these traitors co-opt the very American Slam Dunk to threaten our very way of life,they did it against the most Capitalist team of all: Michael Jordan’s Chicago Bulls.

Jordan used his unabashed selfishness to prevail in the end,of course, because he truly is the Greatest Player In The History Of The World. I mean, think about it: he went out on top by getting away with an offensive foul to make a buzzer-beater to win a big huge golden trophy. That is truly enough to make Ayn Rand turn over in her grave, allowing the world to kiss her ass one last time.

Fast forward to today: we’ve still got as many dunkers as ever before - maybe more even. But, they’re being held down by this virus of unselfishness. Every time Blake Griffin throws down a sick two-handed dunk in traffic, our “President” Barack Obama goes on TV to say, “You didn’t dunk that.” Just because his friend Chris Paul helped him out by passing him the ball, the dunk becomes somehow less valid. Am I being insecure here? Let me answer that question with another question: would Blake Griffin still have dunked if he didn’t have the ball? Yes.

Mr. Griffin, you DID dunk that.

Of course, in an ideal world, players would be stealing the ball from their teammates and trying to score on their own personalized basket that they constructed themselves somewhere near half-court. Sure, that might be against the rules, but did the Founding Fathers obey the rules? I don’t know, I’ve never really looked into it. But that thing about every player having their own basket? That’s innovation. THAT’s American.

Mr. Silver, we’re in a battle for our very way of life. All we want is use our God-given ingenuity to work hard and rise above the competition, and then dunk all over their heads with our nuts in they face. And the Left wants to turn our dunk contest into a passing contest, which is so boring nobody has even heard of it. If I understand correctly, it’s part of the All-Star Weekend Skills Challenge, which is boring as hell. Yet it’s still on TV. Nobody watches it, but the league still makes millions from advertising. It’s so un-American it’s American again. In the words of William F. Buckley, Jr: swag, bitch.

Assists are bad. Get rid of ‘em.


A dumb guy