News outlets are predicting that the number one Halloween costume this year is going to be “Sexy Minion.” We hear from a woman who really, really wanted to be one. It’s just not going to work out for her.


I love Halloween. I’m the kind of gal who plans her Halloween costume months in advance. And when Minions came out on July 10th (I was at the midnight screening, of course), I got the greatest, most original costume idea ever: Sexy Minion.

It’s such a fun, unexpected take on the one thing all the coolest people were talking about this year. I mean, those Minions were everywhere. Take an adorable kid’s movie character and make it sexy? So fun! So subversive!

So, once I made up my mind, I googled Sexy Minion costumes and found this one:

sexyminions.jpg

COOLEST. COSTUME. EVER.

I realized I do not have the body for this costume. My body is shaped more like a regular Minion, not a sexy one.

So, like anyone with a dream, I spent the entire months of August and September in the gym. Every step I took on the treadmill I thought, “sex-y min-ion, sex-y min-ion.” I’ve never felt so motivated as when picturing myself in those short little overalls with a yellow beanie perched atop my perfectly curled blonde hair (my hair is brown). I was going to get into shape so I could have the most perfect Halloween costume of 2015!

Well, after about a month of extreme dieting and exercise, guess what?! I lost eight pounds! But my body still looked nothing like this:

sexyminions.jpg

Nothing At All What My Body Looks Like

It’s weird, I was feeling pretty good about my body, but being a Sexy Minion still felt so far out of my reach! I knew I had to take another step. I thought maybe there was something more authentically Minion-y about these women than me. So I decided to paint my face yellow. Well, that did not work. Turns out I am just less authentically
sexy than them.

So then I thought, “What would the Minions have to say about this?” And then I realized they wouldn’t say anything to me at all because they don’t speak English and I don’t speak Minion-ese.

And then it finally hit me: maybe having a sexy body isn’t the only way to have a sexy costume. Is this what becoming a feminist is like? If so, I don’t like: I definitely would have preferred to go as a Sexy Minion as pictured above, but I just did not have enough time to get ready/the right genes. So I figured out a non-sexy Minion costume that is still sexy:

Minion.jpg

Nailed It.

Happy Despicable Halloween!!

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