Yet another intruder made it over the White House fence yesterday. But unlike other recent security breaches, one of whom made it across the lawn and inside the building, Dominic Adesanya was stopped just inside the perimeter. How? According to the Secret Service spokesman, “Dog got him.” Funny Or Die News has an EXCLUSIVE interview with that dog, conducted through the White House fence.
Hurricane: Hi. I love you. Stand back from the fence.
FODN: Sorry. So you’re a Secret Service dog.
Hurricane: That’s right.
FODN: Can you walk us through your heroic actions of Wednesday night?
Hurricane: Well, I wouldn’t call them heroic. I was just doing my job really. Anyway, my friend Jordan — do you know Jordan? He’s also a secret service dog, I love him — Jordan and I were patrolling the White House perimeter and we saw this guy jumping the fence. So I said to Jordan, “See that guy? He’s not supposed to jump into our yard. I love him, though.”
And Jordan was like, “Yeah he looks great. We better go subdue him with all necessary force.”
So we went and grabbed him real fast and put him on the ground and he kicked us but we still love him and in any case he will be charged with a crime. Guess what crime it is to kick a Secret Service dog. Guess.
FODN: What crime?
Hurricane: Assaulting a police officer.
FODN: Oh my God.
Hurricane: I know. Pretty adorable, huh? He will also be charged with four counts of resisting and unlawful entry, one count of making threats, and one count of not rubbing my ears, I assume. Do you want to rub my ears?
FODN: We do. We’ll just reach through the bars—
Hurricane: STAY BACK STAY BACK DO NOT BREACH THE PERIMETER I CAN KILL
FODN: We’re standing back! We’re standing back!
Hurricane: I love you. Walk with me, I think I smell a knife at the northeast corner.
FODN: Hurricane, given that there have been a number of high-profile screwups by the Secret Service lately, what do you think other Secret Service agents could learn from you?
Hurricane: First let me say that it is an honor to serve with all my Secret Service comrades, especially the ones who have recently eaten bacon and still have a little on their hands. Yes, there have been some screwups lately, but it’s important to remember that they’re all the best people ever and I love them. In terms of advice, I’d suggest that they have sharp white teeth, that they learn to smell knives, that they be willing to work long hours for the dream of a Milk-Bone, and that they stop fucking Colombian hookers. Maybe they could get neutered. I am neutered.
FODN: One last question. What do you think of the President’s dog, Bo?
Hurricane: I hate Bo.