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August 19, 2015
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We've fucked up the environment so much that God is giving us the plague in the one nice place left to enjoy the outdoors. Good job, everyone.

Folks, we have some bad news. A second person has been diagnosed with the plagueafter visiting Yosemite National Park this summer. This brings the total number of people who’ve contracted the disease since 1970 to 40, and since 1666 to about 100,040. Luckily, the risk of the plague being fatal in this day and age is super low and the disease is treatable but I don’t think that means we shouldn’t be worried.

Surely this resurgence of the plague within arguably America’s most beautiful location is God’s way of telling us this is why we can’t have nice things. Yes, the plague making a classic come back is 100% The Lord punishing up for fucking up so much of the environment. Who do we think we are? We want to have reserved land for taking beautiful photos and filming extreme sports and pretend like we don’t have a trash island the size of Texas? Yeah, that’s isn’t gonna fly in Jeezo’s Dad’s book (the bible.)

We’re lucky he isn’t just smiting us off all willy nilly and is at least giving us a manageable malady. But you’d be ticked too if you created something really nice, gave it as a gift and the recipient destroyed like 99% of it, then were all like “no I really love the 1% I haven’t fucked up, I even legally protected it!! I swear!!!” Like, go fuck off, dude. You clearly don’t love it.

The bottom line is if we’re going to keep dumping shit in the oceans and burning shit up in the sky and burying shit in the ground, God is probably gonna keep pulling some not so fun disease pranks on us. And, they’ll likely get worse and less cool, too, so we better get our act together. Of course, if you’re an atheist reading all of this, feel free to disregard this entire post and blame the anti-vaxxers or your own grimy hands or whatever suits ya. It’s a free world and we’re all gonna die somehow.

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