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September 11, 2016
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After being forced to leave abruptly from a 9/11 anniversary dedication ceremony due to "obvious health concerns", Hillary Clinton issued a statement late Sunday that she will stop using bath salts, a powerful synthetic amphetamine, 'for good this time'.

After being forced to leave abruptly from a 9/11 anniversary dedication ceremony due to “obvious health concerns”, Hillary Clinton issued a statement late Sunday that she will stop using bath salts, a powerful synthetic amphetamine, ‘for good this time’.

Mrs. Clinton appeared to be feeling faint and came close to stumbling as Secret Service personnel helped her to a waiting van bound for daughter Chelsea’s nearby apartment where campaign officials report that she will recover from this latest episode. Preliminary reports state that Mrs. Clinton was “twacked off her tits” and had been awake for over 2 weeks in her zeal to win the general election this November. While she has vowed to stop using the powerful substance, those close to Hillary claim that this is far from the first time she has made such a promise.

“I swear this is the last time”, Clinton remarked in a late Sunday press conference addressing the incident. “It’s true, I have been using bath salts since the campaign began but it stops now. I know I’ve said this before but I mean it this time, I’m done with bath salts.” While many hope and pray that this will be the case, others close to Hillary are taking these latest remarks with a grain of salt, as they have heard these empty promises again and again.

The Republican press was eager to pounce on this latest incident. When asked to comment, Donald Trump had this to say: “See? I told you. She’s a disgusting junkie, look at her, OK? I’d say that she looks like a shriveled-up old mummy but that would be insulting to shriveled-up old mummies, OK? Do you really want a person like that in the White House? She’ll turn it into a crack house. She’s hooked, don’t let her fool you.”

Bill Clinton, who has been living in fear of his wife for years, had little to say beyond wishing his wife well and hoping to God that she takes as long as she needs to get better. For now he can only sit idly by and pray she does what she says and stops the bath salt use all together but reality would dictate that this probably isn’t the case.

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