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January 07, 2013

Just some random thoughts from the mind of Joshua Proctor



James Bond:

  I always wonder here does James Bond get that license to kill thing? Do they sell it at Wal-Mart next to the fishing licenses? How does that even work? Does he have to be on the clock to use it or is it like a 24 hour thing? Like if he was on the way to stop a evil doctor from blowing up the earth and he hits a kid with his car can he use it then? "Oh sorry! Was that your son? I am really sorry. I was in a rush. But anyway...........I got this license to kill thing sooooooo. Sorry but could you move him. I got to dress nice. I mean it seems like if you don't have at least a 3 piece suit on these "evil doctors" won't even let you into their secret layer! Am I right!?! Thanks..........oh can you move the other half too?"

Jerry Springer:

    When I was a kid I loved me some Jerry Springer. I would watch it everyday it came one. I even watched the Ringmaster!! You know how bad that movie was. But the more I look back on it the more it doesn't add up. First off who would ever be happy to get a phone call from The Springer show saying how your wife wants to tell you something on air. "Oh they want me on the show!? This got to be great news!!!!!" Then when they get to the show do they not see the theme of that day's show? "I be sleeping with your father"? "Hmmmm I would hate to be that guy. That is going to be a odd change of speed from the great news my wife has for me."
 Here is a hot tip for everyone. If you ever are the first one on stage and Jerry ask you " Do you trust your wife?" at that point you should no longer trust your wife. It was always the same thing. Someone goes out there and they are the nicest person ever " I love her,she is my everything,etc." and when they get the bad news they are like " YOU BEEPING BEEP!!! YOU BEEP MY FATHER'S BEEP!!! BEEP YOU!!! YOU BEEPING BITCH!"

Delaware/West Virginia:

  I feel bad for Delaware. Delaware is like that kid that try so hard to be your friend and you are like "hey you are cool and all but...." The only thing sadder more then Delaware are the people from Delaware. They seem like they always trying to have you join a cult or something. They always reminding you how they were the first state. "Yea buddy I know I saw the license plates ok now can you back off please?" And the tax free thing is so so sad. The way the remind everyone. It is on the sign when you are entering Delaware. It should just say "Please!!! Please don't leave!!! We need you here!!!" The major city of Delaware is Wilmington. Wilmington is like the small retarded brother of Philadelphia. They try so hard to make it look like a real city. It is really cute. I wonder if there is anyone ever that planes to do to Delaware? "Hey kids guess where were are going this summer? DELAWARE!!!!" The great thing about Delaware that it is just far enough that it makes going to Philadelphia,New York City,Washington, D.C. and Atlantic City a real pain in the ass. They must be so happy that they got Joe Biden.

  Than you got West Virginia. My problem with this state is a quick one. They are not fooling anyone here. We all know how they named this state and it is pretty lazy. It was probably like 4:56 and this happened " Ok that should about wrap things up for today.........you know what we didn't name this thing. Ummmm any ideas?....hey what is east of here again? Virginia? How about West Virginia? Is that good with everyone? Sweet! Lets go home and beat our slaves!"

 Time Capsules/Time Machines:

  The whole idea of time capsules seem dumb to me. It is just old trash. Nobody would put anything they need or want into one of those things. But people get so excited to dig up things that we could just find at any Goodwill (and for less work by the way. I would pay 50 cents over digging up a box any day). It is always some assholes who act all excited when they open up the capsule. "Oh wow a record! That is so cool! and look a soda can!! I didn't know they had soda back in 1983!" How long does something have to be underground to become fun to open and look at? Could I bury my trash for 6 months and then dig it up? Would that be fun? "Hey guys remember when I had this 12 pack of Sunkist? Crazy times. Look at this newspaper from the year 2012!!! Who is this President Obama guy?"

  Like 2 times a year someone ask you "What would you do if you had a time machine?" First off they really don't care what you say they just want to tell you their answer. But the most common answer is " I would go back and kill Hitler." First off just cause you are from the future doesn't make you invincible. I am pretty sure a bullet to the head in 1944 would hurt as much as a bullet to the head in 2013. Just cause you play Call Of Duty a lot does not make you a good soilder. "I am out of bullets!!! Where is the god damn A button!!!??" I always feel like people back then already had your "great" idea of killing Hitler. I am sure they were trying. I don't think they were just sitting around at a table saying "What should we do about this Hitler guy?" "I don't know. I mean we sent him a lot of letters asking him to stop and that d-bag didn't even answer them." Then you kick the doors into the room and say "HEY WHY DON'T WE JUST KILL HIM?!" Then they would say "OMG! That is a great idea!. Lets write that down "try to kill him" You are the smartest man ever!! Are we all good with that idea? Sweet! Lets go home and beat our slaves!"