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Stats & Data

March 11, 2009


I've been in the crown of the Statue of Liberty (you can't do this anymore). I've been to the top of the World Trade Center (can't do this anymore either). I've been to the top of the Empire State Building. I've been to the Grand Canyon as well. I've driven across the country 3 times (twice alone) and I've driven up the entire Pacific coast. The most exciting thing I've seen in my entire life is located in shitty Reseda, CA. That is where The South Seas apartment building AKA Daniel San's apartment complex from The Karate Kid is located. I can tell you the address off the top of my head but I couldn't tell you the last time I called my mom and I'm absolutely clueless as to the last name of any of the last few girls that have touched my penis. The Karate Kid films (and countless other stupid movies) mean something to me. Whatever, I'm a dork.

The Karate Kid Trilogy. This three-peat of spectacular is one long continuous movie (much like the inferior Lord of the Rings trilogy). The first segues into the second and the second into the third. This makes for an intense yet deeply emotional rollercoaster ride. All in a tidy little three piece package... much like RUSH.

In part one (1984) Daniel-san is 17 and played by a 23 year old Ralph Macchio. He's boyish and I can accept that. Part 2 (1986) starts where the first left off so while the "Macchio-Man Ralphy Savage" aged two years to the ripe old age of 25 Daniel-san is still 17. This also works for me. Part three is where things start getting egregious. Part 3 (1989) takes place a few months after the end of part 2 (starting at the end of Daniel-san's vacation to Japan... pretty much a continuation). Since a few months went by I will allow Daniel-san to age 1 numerical year to 18; meanwhile Ralph is now 28. Not only is he 28 playing 18, but he's looking every bit of his 28 years. I guess Daniel-san took the loss of Kumiko a lot worse than he did losing Ali with an "i".

Okay so the plot of 3 goes like this:

John Kreese and a buddy from when he was in 'Nam (millionaire criminal mastermind Terry Silver) conspire to ruin Daniel-san's world. The fact that both Kreese and Silver served in "the shit" together makes for an interesting bit of chronologistics (trademark pending). They look different ages so we will be fair. We will assume Kreese was older than Silver when they served so let's make Kreese 30 when the war ended in 1975, this makes him 40 in 1985 when the bulk of the "karatilogy" takes place. Martin Kove is really 37-42 during the span so this works.

Terry Silver was a younger man than Kreese in 'Nam circa '75, but how much younger? The Cobra Kai is an established dojo by 1985. Due to it's success and homegrown core of badasses; I will surmise that The Cobra Kai Dojo has been around since 1980 at the very least. Terry Silver is the one that provided the seed money as a favor to his friend. This will have given millionaire Terry Silver a reasonable 5 years to experience the type of success that would allow him to grant such a generous favor to resident "ass saver" Sensai Kreese. I'll give Terry some slack here and make that 5 year span his 26 to 31 year window. I simply do not think a 23-28 year old could pull off what would have been required of him right out of 'Nam so 26 is the age I will work with. Being 26 in 1975 would make him 36 in 1985.

Okay so there is this weird age thing happening in front of our eyes but we're still not really absorbing it... what is it that makes this so weird? There are a few years but it's a movie and this isn't real so what's the big deal?

Here's a breakdown:

CHARACTER                   AGE             ACTOR                   AGE
  John Kreese                   40            Martin Kove              37-42
   Daniel-san                  17-18        Ralph Macchio         23-28
  Terry Silver                       36        Thomas Ian Griffith      ???

Thomas Ian Griffith was fucking 27... He was one year YOUNGER than Macchio in Karate Kid III.

I know it's dumb and I know it was a waste of time but it mattered. Just like seeing the "Seven Seas" apartment building was far more exciting than seeing the Grand Canyon for me. The only thing that actually rivals this is when I noticed the old Guns N Roses logo was done on the back of an unfired bullet. Go on, take a look. Kind of a mind blower, huh? It was there all along and you never noticed... don't act like you did, because I know you didn't. No one has...