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September 20, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Chick-fil-A says it will stop trying to ban gay marriage. Because one way or another, Chick-fil-A will make the hearts of Christian fundamentalists explode.

In the U.K., residents can now purchase "social media insurance." One area of coverage being reputation damage, such as when friends find out you bought social media insurance.

Wednesday was "Talk Like a Pirate Day." Or as Barack Obama calls it, "Talk Like a Pirate Day."
Conservative columnist Andrew Sullivan recently wrote, "You know what, Mitt? Fuck you," in response to Romney's "47 percent" comment. Romney replied to Sullivan by saying, "Bite a lemon, mister."

Discussing the time he told Britney Spears he was gay in order to calm her down, singer Lance Bass recalled, "She stopped crying and it was great.” Adding, "Until she started crying again."

A French magazine printed a cartoon featuring a naked Muhammad. According to the full page spread, his interests include Allah, going to the movies with friends, and women dressed up like night ghosts.

Tony Danza revealed that he and rapper Tupac were friends and wrote letters to one another. In related news, unicorns. Unicorns are real.

Sony is getting ready to launch a PS3 that's 20 percent smaller and 25 percent lighter. Not to mention 15 percent still not as good as an Xbox.

Prosecutors say Trayvon Martin may never have touched George Zimmerman’s gun before Zimmerman shot and killed Martin. The judge appeared surprised by the information as well as the fact that this case was still happening.

Consumer Reports found that 60 rice products tested positive for arsenic. "This is the absolute worst way to find out," said former San Francisco 49ers wide receiver Jerry Rice.

The magazine singled out rice from Texas, Louisiana, and Missouri for being particularly contaminated. Texas and Missouri are surprising, but Louisiana did actually warn you.

Lindsay Lohan hit a man while parking her Porsche in New York City Wednesday night. Women drivers with substance abuse problems and access to large sums of money, am I right, guys?

During a campaign fundraiser held by Jay-Z and Beyoncé, President Obama said Beyoncé “could not be a better role model for my girls.” Of course, rather than standing up and causing a scene, Rosa Parks simply remained seated.

According to Forbes magazine, the net worth of the richest 400 Americans has hit $1.7 trillion. Who knew the middle class was hiding so much from them?

Actor Dennis Quaid is being sued over a horse accident. No word on why he's being held responsible for something involving half-brother Randy Quaid.