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September 24, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The president of Ohio State University reportedly spent $7.7 million of the school's money on traveling, entertaining, and keeping up his mansion. To make up the loss of funds, the school says it may need to admit five extra students.

Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong is said to be seeking treatment after cursing at concert producers on stage when his time got cut short. To calm the situation down, Taylor Swift smiled and said, "Guys...c'mon."

Iran says it will block access to Google and Gmail. The most inhumane aspect of the announcement? They'll still be allowing people to use Yahoo mail.

In related news, an Iranian general warned that if Israel launches an attack, it would lead to World War III. Because bringing up World Wars to Jews is exactly what you want to do to make them less angry.

At the Emmys on Sunday night, Showtime won its first ever award for a series for "Homeland." Particularly sweet since the Academy openly snubbed "Fat Actress."

Insiders say the reason why Mitt Romney finally released his financial records was to put an end to speculation. Yes, now his campaign can focus on real issues, like, how much spray tan should one wear while talking to Latinos?

Over the weekend, a Houston police officer shot and killed a wheelchair-bound double amputee wielding a pen. Understandably, the officer panicked because he thought he might need to read something.

Pakistan's railways minister is offering $100,000 reward to “whoever kills the makers of ['The Innocence of Muslims']." He'll also double the amount if you do it while on the Pennsylvania or B&O railroads.

A yearlong New York Times investigation says some online data centers waste as much as 90 percent of the electricity they purchase. The only thing more wasteful than that is actually going online.

Foxconn, a major electronics supplier for companies like Apple and Microsoft, closed a factory in China after a riot broke out. Apparently workers couldn't agree if they were depressed and being abused or being depressed about being abused.