Healthy and Unhappy

Tonight for dinner I had a veggie burger, and two things happened: A) I ate it, and B) I had explosive diarrhea immediately after. To be honest, the diarrhea was the better of the two events. Even my father, who is a professional chef, was not able to conceal the vile taste of such a terrible excuse for a meal. Veggie burger…just sound of it makes my colon beg for mercy.

In an effort to live long and healthy lives, my parents have decided to go on a “health kick”. It’s not like we were binging on fast food, or living off TV dinners though. Actually, I considered our lives to be to be above the average standard of health. We enjoy various forms of exercise, and we have always eaten our fair share of fruits and vegetables on a daily basis. However, my parents didn’t think that was good enough, so they declared a family Health Revolution. Enter veggie burgers. They were supposed to be our “tasty” alternative to red meat. The only problem is, nothing makes me want to engulf my mouth around a juicy Big Mac more than eating the diabolical garbage that is a veggie burger.

Truthfully, I really don’t mind eating healthier. A lot of people like to moan and groan, but the fact of the matter is, one’s health is his or hers most valuable self-asset. Nevertheless, that does not mean health food has to taste worse than Maalox. In order to steer the people of this nation down a road of healthy eating, the vegetarian alternatives to meat entrees HAVE to taste better. If we can invent the IPad, I’m pretty sure we can whip up a fake burger that won’t make people cry from pain. I mean, veggie burgers are absolute trash. They’re chunks of mushed carrots, beans, corn, onion, potatoes and mushrooms. In other words, they’re grilled patties of baby-food. How scrumptious!

If a veggie burger is the best that the health-food industry has to offer, than this country will continue to grow fatter. The only thing veggie burgers have ever given me was bulimia, because after eating them, I actually feel better by forcing myself to vomit. Therefore, I can argue that veggie burgers are a psychological hazard...Alright, maybe that’s taking it too far, but I can attest to the fact that they are horrible, horrible things that should only be used to torture terrorists. It would make water-boarding seem tame.

Unfortunately, I am a broke student, so I still rely on my parents to keep me alive. That does not leave me with too many meal options that I can choose for myself. All I can do is keep my spirits up while eating Taco Bell out of my parents’ sight…If that opportunity ever presents itself.