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Published August 02, 2010

Prologue

I am a businessman. I know business. After spending one quarter at Pickeringtondale Community College, I learned the many ins and outs of the life of a businessman. My mentor and former professor Harvey J. Chinkle lived by one motto, “There is no I in business”. Only after explaining this to my 4 year-old nephew did I discover what Professor Chinkle was trying to tell me. There IS an I in business, one of them to be precise. Why he told me that I’ll never know, but I always kept that in the back of my mind when I ventured into businessland. After several failed chicken breast tenders shops I decided to retire at 23 and start writing self-help guides for a living, to at least attempt to give this knowledge to future generations, since I can’t pass it on to my own children because of that vasectomy I got in 4th grade. For months my self-help guides have helped numerous clientele become the best they can be at what they do (i.e. the business). Follow my easy guide and make your business dreams come true!

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Small business = lame business

People in business hate the word “small”. For the average businessman, it reminds them of their very small penis and their need for success in the business world because of it. You will encounter many small penised men in your varied work environments, but don’t be intimidated, I mean, they have small penises. If you, the reader, are a small penised businessman, then you have nothing to be worried about either, because it appears you were bred for power-mongering.

Have you ever met anyone that would knowingly operate a small business? These are what we in the industry call “potatoes”, because they’re only in it for small potatoes, as opposed to large tomatoes. We call successful people “tomatoes”. Why run a small business when it should be everyone’s goal to want a large business? The answer is obvious, “potatoes” are idiots. I hate them. I hate them all. Money is great. Don’t let farmers and vendors tell you differently, I mean, they are farmers. Just poor old potato farmers.

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The art of facial expression

During a business meeting, there is nothing more important than what your face says, specifically the mouth part of the face.

Whoa, slow down there a second, pal. You need to do a little homework to succeed here. First, go to your local video store and rent Animal House, starring Tim Matheson, John Belushi, and a young Kevin Bacon. Watch the scene with Bluto (Belushi) in which he twitches his eyebrows ferociously from top to bottom during one of his bouts of scholarly hijinx. Watch it again. And again. And again. Got it? Good. This is the only thing you need.

Don’t listen to other advice on the do’s and don’t's of facial expressions, only listen to me. Proper hygeine isn’t important. Sweating profusely isn’t important, but it may be helpful. Eye contact is definitely not important. I better stop myself before I start a new section here.

Have you practiced the Bluto twitch? Great! Do that during your whole presentation. Now I know you’re thinking: “C’mon Kev man, this is ridiculous. Exciting, but ridiculous”, but think of all of the possible scenarios that could occur:

1. He doesn’t get the reference but he thinks you’re cute

2. He doesn’t get the reference but he likes the cut of your gib

3. He gets the refence and you talk about more obscure pop culture references

Seems like a win-win-win scenario to me.

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