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Published September 02, 2011
To whom it may concern:

I am writing to recommend miss ________________________ to your fine institution.  She would be a valued addition to your program and is infinitely prepared to pursue a rigorous academic regimen.  _____ has exemplified a tremendous ability to persevere through various conditions and setbacks both as an athlete and as a young woman.  Having known and coached _____ for several years, I have had the privilege to see her grow and learn from a magnitude of mistakes. 

Her extreme alcohol abuse during her freshman year caused her to be put on dialysis for an entire month of the spring semester, but no amount of jaundice from liver and kidney failure could stop her from completing her coursework in which she received a stellar 1.01 GPA.  A summer in rehab proved to help her clean up her alcoholism until she got involved in some heavy crystal meth and bath salt abuse her sophomore year.  However, she was able to break those habits after a run-in with local law enforcement that involved a three-hour standoff, seven hostages from the local daycare, and a bucket full of illegal fireworks.  Her exemplary behavior in her second rehab stint resulted in all of her charges being dropped and she continued to lead her teammates into the following season.

_____’s strong will and ability to defeat intense substance abuse is impressive in its own right, but her ability to fight through the adversity of juggling multiple affairs with married public officials is by far the crown jewel of her accomplishments here in __________.  Miss __________i also showed great business sense in her development of two male escort services and a minor human trafficking racket that she managed from her dorm room.  She made it very clear to the ________ community that she, “needs her Benjamins on time,” when she took over the quad to display herself branding her initials on several young men’s lower backs.  She is certainly a go-getter, and her ability to multitask and do whatever it takes to achieve her goals is unmatched as she is truly a renaissance woman.   

As a senior, _____ is showing a tremendous capacity for leadership and she continues to be a beam of hope and promise to everyone she encounters.  Any institution would be truly blessed to have her grace their campus.  Although she has an affinity for petty theft and quite a violent streak in her, I would feel moderately safe to walk down a street with her before dark – but not a second later.  _____ is the definition of resilient and it is past due time that she moves on to a new institution of higher learning.   

Sincerely,

_____________s

P.S.:  DO NOT let her know of my whereabouts, whatever you do.

P.P.S.: Seriously, she showed me a bullet with my name carved in it.

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