HYSSOP COUNTY, MD- It was a contentious race from the beginning but after all the votes have been counted, Marcy Killinger, the first openly retarded woman to run for city council, has been declared the winner, receiving 53 percent of the vote.
“I welcome it,” local businessman Jim Randle said after hearing the news of Ms. Killinger’s victory. “I’m sure she’s no dumber than the rest of the assholes currently on the council. Oh, sure she drools a little and has the IQ of a young child, but, hey. Something tells me she’s gonna do just as well as the jack-holes they currently got on the council. I say good for her. More power to her.”
Other residents were not as welcoming of the news of Ms. Killinger’s victory. Martha Highwood, a 78 year resident of Hyssop County expressed some doubts about the prospects of having an openly retarded person in city council. “Listen, I know just as well as everyone else that the current group of idiots ain’t doin’ jack shit to help our little town here but- Do we really want another retard in office? I mean, I know she’s the first openly retarded person to be elected to city council but I have a sneaking suspicion that there may be two, perhaps three closeted retards currently on the city council and I just don’t think that many retards in office is good for our city.”
Two term councilman, Artie Mash, had some warm words to say about Ms. Killinger joining him in the council. “I like her. I like her style. I like the way she carries herself. Honestly, I’m looking forward to working with her. I’m looking forward to hearing her positions on the issues that face our city. Such as parks- Is she for ‘em or against ‘em? I don’t know, but I’m looking forward to hearing her answer.”
Christopher Shellenberger, who lost the election to Ms. Killinger, could not be reached for comment but he did release a statement which reads, “REALLY PEOPLE!? A fucking retard over ME!? Y’all can go fuck yourselves. Sincerely, Christopher Shellenberger.”
Marcy Killinger will begin her duties as a city councilwoman, Tuesday of next week, after she is sworn into office