Welcome, and thank you for coming to my brand new presentation! I know I’m the President of Twitter, but don’t be intimidated! I put on my pants in the morning just like you do: one leg at a time, and next to my beautiful fuck-bot, Samantha.
We’ve been working very hard here at Twitter, and we’re proud to announce these exciting new features. Hold on to your cyber-seats because here they are!
Custom Blocking: This plug-in will allow you to adjust settings so that users can still follow you, but they won’t be able to see tweets where you 1) interact with certain other users, 2) that contain certain keywords, 3) that have a certain tone, or 4) were written in a state of mind (choose from drunk, depressed, lonely, overly excited, full, delighted, mildly annoyed, self-satisfied, or lugubrious).
Fav Assistant: This easy, one-button install allows you to never fav again! The way it works is simple: you fav 5 sample tweets, it judges your sense of humor, enthusiasm, and general gravitas, and automatically“autofavs” the appropriate tweets as they come onto your timeline. Never fav another tweet again. Hell, never even READ another tweet again!
Tweet Buddy: This helpful add-on gauges your general point of view, sense of humor, irony levels, lifestyle & daily routine and creates actual original tweets! Sign our official form and in the eyes of the U.S. government, they will have originated in your actual, IRL brain!! And in a way, they did!!!!!! (Includes, but is not limited to: topical tweets, tiny observations with no joke attached, subtweets, drunk tweets, thirst of all kinds, cries for help, and transparently career-minded compliments (Not available in NY, CA, or NV. Sorry!))
Hate Generator: Ever feel like you need to step up your pointless hate game, but just don’t have the time? Hate Generator does it for you! HG allows you to select a custom set of professional athletes,newscasters, female comedians, actors/actresses, bloggers, or local meteorologists, and bombards them with hundreds of blunt, thoughtless, mean-for-no-reason, and unsolicited tweets,such as “fuck you”, “ugly cunt”, “kill yourself”, and more! (You’ll be able to select from a list, or create your own!)
But Who Will Know?: We like to think of this one as a kind of reputation insurance. Nobody wants other people to know they’re misleading them by buying features that deliberately present a curated view of who they really are. And now you don’t have to! Let others get a representative picture of your true self, that is. This radical, questionably legal, and revolutionary,radical, revolutionary, AND revolutionary (did we mention radical?) feature lets you dictate who gets to know which of these features you’ve bought or didn’t buy. And why! (I.e. for an extra fee, we will tell them you bought them “as a joke” or “to write a thing about for work”.)
Time-Caddy: Based on some cutting edge algorithms from Silicon Valley (the thing, not the TV thing), this premium download will allow you to travel into your past and kill your past self before he or she signs up for Twitter, or travel into the future to the time when computers are a thing of the past and humanity has started over from the caves. (Void where prohibited, some restrictions apply, Twitter, Inc. not responsible for catastrophic consequences of altering the time-space continuum.)