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April 07, 2018

Trump moves to re-allow the coveted hunting of trophy wives.

(Washington, D.C.) The Trump Administration continues to stoke controversy with its decision this week to lift a longstanding ban on trophy wife hunting. The move would open the door for perviest sportsmen who seek to fill their living rooms with exotic and rare marital trophies to mount as testaments to their conquests. The sport, which some decry as cruel, is often seen as an macho outlet for the rich and powerful with the resources to bag a trophy wife, often as many as 2 or 3 in succession, with little regard to humane dating practices or sustainability of marriages.

The White House press announcement last Wednesday specifies that trophy wives can only be hunted in certain designated zones, such as yachts, Russian penthouses, or backstage at a Miss America pageant. Furthermore, trophy wiving will only be allowed if applicants carry the properly documented male license. And of course,the pursuit is often limited to the very upper crust of society who can afford the necessary personal jets, PR agents, and intrinsic low self-esteem.

Nonetheless, the announcement marked a stark departure from previous administrations on the topic of trophy wifehunting. Most previous presidents have shied away from the sport, made famous in the texts and photos of Ernest Hemingway, who was notorious for his womanizing. Past presidents have generally preferred high school sweethearts and domestic girlfriends over the cavalcade of foreign supermodels, mistresses and porn stars, whose racks are the coveted attainments of the sport. (Gross but true)

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Trump seen here stalking his prey.

Many incensed groups have pointed out the history of trophy wiving in Trump’s own family. President Trump himself has publicly bragged about his female hunting exploits, and once appeared on the cover of Playboy magazine, the preeminent publication for the sport.Though the White House claims the decision was made on a completely impartial basis, Trump has often given detailed accounts of his creeping and lurking techniques to other accomplished sleazeballs such as Howard Stern. And few will forget how Trump’s scuzzy image nearly self-exploded late in the presidential race, when a tape dropped in which the candidate boasted about his inhumane tactics (known as “pussy grabbing” by practitioners) in violation of international conventions of decency.

Many are concerned that this move will expose already heavily preyed women to danger at the hands of waxen-mulleted mega-douches. However, defendants of the decision argue that trophy wiving actually will pour much needed resources into resource-starved supermodels seeking to reach first-world status. The Humane Society for Female Treatment released a highly-anticipated response earlier this morning, stating only “Ew.” At a follow up briefing later this week, Trump is widely expected to be creepy.