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July 14, 2016

Jojo picks which beaus should go to hometowns.

We begin this week’s love sojourn with the guys reeling from the last night’s rose ceremony in which Jojo broke ALL the rules and gave roses to everyone left.

Marine Alex: “Last night, that was intense.”
A-Ro-Bro: “Shell-shocked.”
Anime Luke: “Yeah, we were just–”
Marine Alex, resident expert on shell-shocking: “Shell-shocked.”

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I was shell-shocked. Here I thought I was taking my next step in becoming America’s Fuckboy and I remained in a stasis with you PLEBS.

Marine Alex’s confessional: “I’m feeling really confused, unsure, disappointed… I walk away every single time I’m with her feeling on top of the world, and then I get put into positions like last night at the rose ceremony, where I really do think… everything I’ve been feeling is an illusion… I feel like the black sheep right now.”

Lord Harrison comes in to tell the guys the specific numbers of roses up for grabs this week so that they all can be the appropriate level of stressed out for each date.

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Soooo you’re basically gonna want to start slittin throats if you’re on the group date.

Marine Alex finally gets his first one-on-one. A-Ro-Bro: “Now you can stop bitching.”

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No lie I threw up when I saw Robby’s slippers.

Anime Luke proves that Jojo is not the only one with insane levels of vocal fry.

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So liiiiiikkeeee… thahhhtt’s liikee gonna be a lahhhht of pressure liiiikkeeeee… on thahhht daaate?

Chase, on the other hand, puts the minimal possible effort into speaking, barely opening his mouth. Chase’s confessional: “Alex has been almost bitching because he’s the only one in the house that hasn’t gotten his one-on-one, but dude, relax… Now you got it. So, shut up.”

There’s a shot of a thousand dogs tied to a fence.

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Just like Jojo’s beaus, these pups have nothing to do but bitch at each other, waiting and hoping for their owner to take them on a one-on-one.

Date #1: One-on-One w/ Marine Alex

Jojo and Marine Alex start their car journey with a thumb war. Ugh. Jojo: “That’s my move!”

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Don’t they know sexy thumb wars only occur inside people?

Marine Alex: “Is that h-wheat?!!” First time Alex has ever said this word. “Is this the hwheat bowl of the country, too?” TF is he saying?

Jojo: “Just be normal!"Jojo’s confessional: "I’m having a hard time connecting with him romantically at this point.”

Alex tries to kiss Jojo with Pringles lips and it’s just as horrifying as you could possibly imagine.

Once you pop the accosting don’t stop.

The rest of the guys leave Buenos Aires in what someone calls a “Jingle Bus."I guess this is why they all start beat-boxing and freestyle rapping. Once James Taylor II goes home are they going to continue to make the worst possible music about Jojo all the fucking time? James Taylor II wears shorts, a tank top, and a heinous American flag/eagle tat. Ex-swimmer Robby continues to wear the slippers he stole from some other person’s Mawmaw.

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The guys cumulative rapping: “When Alex was on a motorcycle ride, it went alright. But Jojo cried. Because she wishes she was with us. It’s way more fun. Chilling’ on a bus. And he might get a kiss. But he won’t get far. He’s a little, bitty dude, riding’ in a sidecar. And he might have game and he might be cool, but to get in a sidecar, he need a stool.” I do enjoy “little, bitty dude.”

Back in the simultaneously awkward AF car-ride, Little Bitty Marine Alex gets his bitty spidey sense of what his bros are doing: “I can freestyle. Give me a topic. Any topic… Yo, yo, Jojo, gots to go to the liquor sto’– see what I did there? That’s like, my go-to line.” His go-to line is to change liquor store to rhyme with whatever the girl’s name is?

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Yo, yo, Jojo gotta to go to the liquor sto’. But fo my ex, Gloria, she hadta go to the liquor storia. See what I did there? I don’t even think about it, these gems just flow straight out of my bitty soul.

Marine Alex: “We’re sitting in the car doing nothing. Just the reality is that I’m having a hard time here.”

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It’s hard out here for a shrimp.

Jojo pretends she knows what an estancia is. Jojo: “That’s an estancia. I think it means ranch. That’s what they’re called here in Argentina.”

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Marine Alex trying to take up as much space as physically possible to make up for the fact he’s in the bitch seat.

Jojo: “Today I’m taking Alex to an authentic Argentinean estancia, where we get to be gauchos for the day. The gaucho lifestyle is honestly really amazing. A gaucho was this Argentinean farmer/cowboy. They’re supposed to be very strong but at the same time, these men are very sensitive.”

Are these their real outfits???

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I feel like there’s no way any men wear these outfits to their job.

They did this date solely to put Alex in a silly outfit. Jojo spins him around for her Bachelor Nation’s pleasure.

Such an honestly amazing lifestyle. Super easy to knife yourself in the butt/get your scarf caught on a branch, but still, amazing.

Marine Alex: “I like those kind of trees. The one that’s like, droopy.” Jesus Christ.

They’ve literally dressed him up as the class clown and it’s pretty neck and neck for whether it’s insulting Argentinian culture or Alex more. Jojo: “You are a cute, little gaucho.”

They greet the real gauchos. Jojo: “Is this what the females look like?” GOOD GOD. If you say “the females” then you think the Argentinians are a different species than you are.

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Is this what the females look like? What are the male and female mating techniques like? Do they participate in rose ceremonies? How are their tool-making skills? What’s the opposable thumb situache?

Luke: “While, you know, Alex and Jojo are on a one-on-one date, we stopped at a sketchy little local barbecue place, and they’re just feeding us random pieces of meat that we have no clue what they are.” We see the guys eating a bunch of mystery meat and cattily discussing whether Alex is going to go home or not.

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Is this chicken? Do they have chickens here? Is this dead gauchos? Do they do that here?

A-Ro-Bro: “Yeah, I’m the pickiest eater there is, so uh, yeah, could be better.”

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Yeahhh, I don’t really put anything that the hoi polloi eat in this temple of a bod.

One of the non-Marine-Alex-gauchos shoves Jojo’s ass up on a horse.

Most action anyone in that outfit gets this episode.

Alex gets on his horse and Jojo patronizingly says, “That was good!” She treats him like a toddler.

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That was good! You did it! Does Alex want a snackie?

Nightmare date: showing up, being forced to wear an insane outfit, then being forced to ride a horse in the insane outfit.

Jojo’s confessional: “[Being relaxed on this date] makes me think of a relationship and what love should be like.”

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Relaxation makes me think of a relationship and what love should be like… Jojo is the Bachelor’s dumb version of Jeopardy’s Watson for putting together previous nonsense from all the Bachelor seasons, spouting randomly formed relationship-related quotes.

The gauchos explain that their tradition was to impose their will on horses by conquering their hearts. They then watch a man cuddle a horse into getting on the ground in submission.

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First, a little tender foreplay.

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And now, we start with just the tip.

Marine Alex: “That’s some horse whisperer stuff.”

Jojo: “Look how connected they are."Marine Alex: "There is a special connection between the man– the gaucho– and the horse. And uh, it is spiritual and it is deep. And like, he was just speaking to this horse with his spirit.”

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It is spiritual and it is deep. Some might say as deep as it goes.

Oh my god we are now watching a man dry hump a horse. Jojo: “It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” I mean, for all the horse porn I’ve seen it’s the most beautiful horse porn? Yeah, I’ll give it that.

Gaucho: “If you like, you can lay down here. You can spoon on the floor with your heads on the neck of the horse.”

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If you thought this date couldn’t get any worse, you were FU-UCKING WRONG!!!

Marine Alex: “I am in a sense of enlightenment right now.” We need new pants for Marine Alex again!

They’re making out on the horse’s head. Alex feels like he’s finally “writing [his] own story with Jojo.”

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A story of a man, a woman, and a suicidal horse.

Marine Alex: “I’m your goocho.” AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! This is my favorite moment of the episode.

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Horse thinking he’s too close to Alex’s goocho.

Alex: “This is perfect."Jojo: "This is nice.”

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“This is the best moment of my entire life and I love you.” “This is aight.”

Marine Alex and Jojo go to dinner with a dog while a man plays guitar outside. Alex: “Tonight is one of the happiest moments of my life… Today it’s just confirmation that somehow I’m still here.”

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Bachelor Nation also agrees that you’re still here SOMEHOW.

A-Ro-Bro gets the first second one-on-one. I hate him so much. I’m not rooting for anyone now. The only thing I’m rooting for is Wells for Bachelor because I do not want to watch a season of any of these dipshits. I will, obviously, but I won’t be happy about it.

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Douche-nozzles finish first again!!! Yahoo!!!

Marine Alex: “I really do need you to know that… like I think I’m falling in love with you. I know I’m falling in love with you.” Jojo doesn’t even smile when he says he loves her but he presses on. “I fell in love with you the second I saw you.”

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Uhhhh whahhh?

Jojo’s confessional: “I don’t really know what to think of it.”

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Is this a “psyche!” situation? C'mon… Two people really couldn’t be on that different page– oh shit.

Jojo: “Today was the honestly the best day that I’ve had with you.” Which still sucked. “And when you tell me that you’re falling in love with me, I don’t feel as excited as I should feel. And that kills me because I wanted to be able to say so badly that I was falling in love with you too. And I just couldn’t say that… I don’t think that I would get to that point.”

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I so wish I thought I could EVER, POSSIBLY get to that point with you but nah…

Marine Alex: “It definitely sucks that you can’t see that being something that you’d want… There was no rose on the table. I wasn’t expecting this to happen.” Aka but you weren’t allowed to send me home rn!

Jojo: “I feel very very bad. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know what I’m doing… I felt like sending him home tonight was like giving him the utmost respect by not making him have to wait, but I don’t know if he sees it that way.”

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I felt like somehow he’d be stoked to know that regardless of how the rest of the week went I knew he was 100% toast.

There’s a bunch of spotlights lighting their goodbye.

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Jojo: “My final memory with him was him not being able to look me in the eye. That’s not how I wanted to say goodbye to him.”

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I wanted to say goodbye to him on a little bitty stepladder tho!

Jojo: “I don’t know how to do this. I should have stopped him. I should have done this. I shouldn’t have said this. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.” I’ll say. You sent Wells home and you’re left with pieces of shit. Seriously, if any of these people are the next Bachelor other than Wells… I don’t know what I’ll do… Not stop watching… But maybe a strongly-worded blog post…

Date #2: One-on-One with A-Ro-Bro

A-Ro-Bro prepares for his big leagues.

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A-Ro-Bro: “I got two weeks in a row that I’ve had to combat things that have taken my character into question. That accusation, being as false as it was, that I’m entitled, you know, has some effect on my relationship with Jojo.”

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The show is definitely not trying to downplay the “entitled” rumors.

They’re taking a private jet to Mendoza to go wine-tasting. They never would make A-Ro-Bro go on the goucho date and wear a stupid outfit and dry hump a horse.

Jojo and A-Ro-Bro arrive at the vineyard. A-Ro-Bro force-feeds Jojo grapes.

They stomp on grapes.

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Jojo jumps into A-Ro-Bro’s barrel and rubs grapes on A-Ro-Bro’s calfs with grapes.

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If we can’t fuck til Fantasy Suites I’m at LEAST going to sensually rub mashed grapes on your calf with my foot.

Oh gross they drink it!!! A-Ro-Bro: “Cheers to whatever was on our feet that’s about to go in our mouths.”

So in my case, cheers to entitled sock residue!

Back at the hotel, the bros discuss A-Ro-Bro’s front-runner status. Luke: “Jordan came into this with the most external hype I guess, since his brother is in the NFL…. If you have box seats to the Super Bowl every year or something, automatically you’re the front-runner… but what does that have to do with how you are with Jojo?” The question of the season, Luke.

Back in the vineyard hot tub, in the creepiest manner possible A-Ro-Bro tells Jojo: “I really want you to come and meet Mama. She’s gonna like you.” COME MEET MAMA RODGERS.

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I really want you to come meet Mama. See how sweet and endearing and how very not America’s Fuckboy I am?

Chase’s confessional: “I think Jojo’s looking for a real guy with a real job in a real town for a real relationship.” Does he really think A-Ro-Bro lives in a made-up town?

Ex-Swimmer, Current Douche Robby: “It’s a fight for love! In my eyes, I’m a front-runner.”

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In my eyes, I’m a front-runner in general. But coming from Jacksonville, FL, it’s an incredibly low bar.

A-Ro-Bro recounts the day and asks Jojo if she likes his feet. A-Ro-Bro=American Psycho.

Jojo asks the million dollar question of who she’d meet on A-Ro-Bro’s hometown. A-Ro-Bro: “Darla, Ed, my oldest brother Luke. Funniest guy I know. The funniest. And hopefully he brings Carl Weathers. The French bulldog. Yeah, and um, my middle brother won’t be there. And that’s Aaron.”

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Yeah, you’re gonna meet Darla, oh and FUNNY LUKE! Bet you can’t wait to meet Funny Luke! That’s the real reason you’ve kept me here this whole time secretly, isn’t it…

A-Ro-Bro: “I have a great relationship with my brother Luke. Um, me and Aaron don’t really have that much of a relationship. It’s just kind of the way he’s chosen to do life and I chose to stay close with my family and my parents and my brother… It’s not ideal and I love him and I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in his shoes and have the pressure he has and the demands from people that he has.”

Jojo: “Does he know that you’re doing this?” A-Ro-Bro: “I don’t think so.” Yikes.

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But like, he’ll at least come to the wedding, right?

A-Ro-Bro: “[James bringing up entitlement] really strikes a chord with me… At every step of my life I was just kind of disappointed. And no matter what I did, it was never good enough for a coach or for a teammate, because I was being compared to someone who did it the best… Humility that I’ve been taught from my parents is what I want people to see… It’s important for me that you don’t ever think that my confidence is derived from anything other than, you know, just the example my parents set because I care about you so much and I don’t want to mess it up.”

A-Ro-Bro: “I am so in love with you. And it’s been a couple weeks since I knew it was happening… It’s so real.” Jojo: “That makes me so happy. You know that?” I’m just picturing Marine Alex watching the disparity between her reaction to him and A-Ro-Bro’s love confessions.

Date #3: Group Date

It’s raining on the leaves. It’s raining on the benches. The guys wonder if this weather’s going to be a game-changer and they’re FUCKING RIGHT.

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More like… Malos Aires… I’m going to just leave this here. It’s 2016 and I’ll do what I want.

James Taylor II gives himself an incredibly bizarre pep talk in the mirror: “Looking fresh. Ready to soar places today, baby! You look good.”

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Ohhh Robby thinks this is what front-runner means. He’s now in his formal slippers.

Jojo brings them to a suite: “Welcome to our suite for the day!"Their date is that they have to stay in a slightly different hotel room than the one they’ve been locked in all week.

James Taylor II is doing anything Jojo asks him to including shoving all the french fries in his mouth as the other guys count it off in Spanish.

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Uno… Dos… Disgrace!

James Taylor II describes this confusing kindergarten display as bringing his “A-Game.”

Just a few more and it will totally make up for my obvious insecurities with myself.

He starts to puke.

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Oh no… Puking was like my Q-Game…

Chase loves that this is James Taylor’s A-game. Chase: It “made him look highly unattractive and it was hilarious.” Jojo then makes them all do a Massage Train on each other while she messes with Robby’s hair? My suite rules involve me at the front of the massage train massaging fucking no one.

I can only get off watching men massage each other against their will… so… suite rules!

They play Bachelor-themed Charades, Celebrity, and Hangman. This really feels like the first thought the producers came up with for a rainy day date…

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I’ll give you one hint: he was the best Bachelor character of ALL TIME.

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First clue: he single-handedly set women back centuries during his stint as Bachelor.

During Truth or Dare, Jojo dares Ex-Swimmer Robby to get down “to the undies” and run down the hall knocking on surely empty rooms’ doors.

Robby loves doing anything as long as it’s unsolicited.

James Taylor II: “Show us your butt! Give us your butt!” Ex-Swimmer Robby acquiesces.

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If he didn’t love showing his hairless naked body, would he have ever gotten into swimming in the first place?

Ex-Swimmer Robby: “My grandma is gonna hate to see this and I apologize Mawmaw but it was all in the pursuit of love.”

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Sorry about the nudity Mawmaw. Not sorry about all the rapey, misogynist comments tho. You know your place is in the kitchen, silly Mawmaw.

Don’t forget, James Taylor II is on his A-Game though, so he shall not stand for this display of masculinity. He throws Robby under the bus and says that he was checking out the hot Argentinian girls. Robby: “He’s lying!”

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He’s lying! I wouldn’t darest look at another WOMAN ever!!!

Robby takes 20 million years to put his clothes back on.

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What? It’s confusing. Like which tank sleeve do Argentinians start with?

All four of them are cuddling on a bed and watching The Brazilian Bachelor.

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It’s not jerking itself off, it’s meta!

They continue to joke about Wandering Eye Robby. Robby’s confessional: “Things are about to get ugly.”

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That’s weird because things look like they’re about to get very sexy.

Robby gets some one-on-one time with Jojo: “There’s hard times but I pull that out and I’m good.”

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There’s hard times but I pull that out and I’m good. Hint hint. Fantasy suites baby.

Robby admits that he broke up with his last girlfriend really recently. Jojo: “I’m a little nervous because I know you told me that your last girlfriend, you guys dated for a long time.” Robby: “There were a lot of variables that came into play and they were all negative.”

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Yeah, I’m going to need you to shit-talk your ex a LOT for me to be comfortable with this.

Robby: “Everything in the relationship was wrong. We dated for a little over three years. And I have never seen her house. I have met her Mom once… We broke up 4.5 months ago. It was a bad breakup. It was a blown up fight and one no that there was no recovery from… Yes, I’m definitely moved on.”

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So moved on. I’m just looking a thousand yards into this rain puddle to ponder how incredibly over it I am.

Jojo sits down with Chase and asks what he’s nervous about. Chase: “There’s nerves because there’s other guys in your situation which is a completely new feeling for me, caring so much about somebody to know that she’s also, I guess, investigating relationships with other guys.”

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This might sound crazy but I’ve never dated a girl while she’s groping five other boyfriends at the same time before.

James Taylor II now attempts to throw himself under the bus to Jojo: “I want you to tell me the truth… You and me have a very sweet and genuine and deep connection. And yet I feel like you have a more physical or something else relationship with other people but maybe that’s ‘cause you know what we have is strong.” Jojo: “You have every quality that I would want in somebody that would be my husband and the father to my children… When you talk to me and look at me I feel very loved and cared about and appreciated. And those are all the things that I’d missed in previous relationships.” It’s something she’s never gone for before because she’s not into it.

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On paper you have all these qualities that I’m told I should value, 100%! So don’t worry.

Robby, James, and Chase discuss the rose numbers again. James tells them he thinks A-Ro-Bro and Luke are frontrunners and Robby disagrees because he’s an idiot. He thinks there are no front-runners.

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There are no front-runners. It’s statistically impossible for her to like one of us more than the others.

Robby’s drunk. He says there’s no front-runners and then says he’s a front-runner. His confessional: “In my mind I’m the only front-runner here. And I always have been.”

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I am de front-runner of this ship now.

Jojo gives the rose to Robby, literally destroying his thesis that there are no front-runners. Robby: “I’M GOING TO HOMETOWNS!… She’s going to love it. I’m going to love it. I’m gonna fall in love all over again and she’s gonna fall in love all over again.” Tf is he talking about.

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She’s going to love it or she’ll rue the day. Nobody leaves front-runner in a corner.

James Taylor II: “Either me or Chase are going home… That’s an unspoken fact.”

Date #3: One-on-One with Luke

Luke: “At this point, it’s about way more than roses. It’s about family. It’s about reality. It’s about life.”

Their date is horse-themed and so very incredibly boring. Luke is “in his element” with the sexy cowboy/gun date while Marine Alex had to endure being paraded around. Jojo: “Luke’s for sure a man.” It would be really funny if after all these times she said this he turns out to be trans.

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Luke not only doesn’t have to wear a costume but he also gets to stand next to a miniature horse for scale, something Marine Alex would have greatly benefitted from.

Luke essentially tells Jojo that he has no job. Your plan is my plan. All they do is talk about their feelings and their plans and it could not be more boring. He might be slightly less calculated than A-Ro-Bro but please no Bachelor Luke.

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Now if you squint your eyes you can see Bitty Alex running towards us for another shot. Give it a go!

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Jojo cancels the cocktail party that night because it would be fucked up to have a cocktail party at this point.

Rose Ceremony

James Taylor II: “My whole life is riding on tonight.”

Jojo: “I would be the luckiest girl to end up with any of you.” Roses for Anime Luke, A-Ro-Bro, and Chase. Bye James Taylor II.

Jojo walks James Taylor II out and she’s sobbing, Jojo: “You have made me a better person.” How???

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It was honestly just too many songs. The first was OK. The second was grating. By the 77th I wanted to fucking destroy that guitar over your already-wounded face.

James Taylor is leaving with neither his dignity nor his face intact.

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I left it all on the field. I couldn’t have done anything else except maybe a little less accosting everyone musically and a little more working out. And of course, maybe if I’d been able to jam like 5 more french fries in my mouth…

Upcoming Scenes: Jojo saying she’s “out of control” while sobbing on the ground in a blue gown. Hometowns is always the best episode…

Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

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