We begin this week’s love sojourn with the guys reeling from the last night’s rose ceremony in which Jojo broke ALL the rules and gave roses to everyone left.
Marine Alex: “Last night, that was intense.”
Anime Luke: “Yeah, we were just–”
Marine Alex, resident expert on shell-shocking: “Shell-shocked.”
Marine Alex’s confessional: “I’m feeling really confused, unsure, disappointed… I walk away every single time I’m with her feeling on top of the world, and then I get put into positions like last night at the rose ceremony, where I really do think… everything I’ve been feeling is an illusion… I feel like the black sheep right now.”
Lord Harrison comes in to tell the guys the specific numbers of roses up for grabs this week so that they all can be the appropriate level of stressed out for each date.
Marine Alex finally gets his first one-on-one. A-Ro-Bro: “Now you can stop bitching.”
Anime Luke proves that Jojo is not the only one with insane levels of vocal fry.
Chase, on the other hand, puts the minimal possible effort into speaking, barely opening his mouth. Chase’s confessional: “Alex has been almost bitching because he’s the only one in the house that hasn’t gotten his one-on-one, but dude, relax… Now you got it. So, shut up.”
There’s a shot of a thousand dogs tied to a fence.
Date #1: One-on-One w/ Marine Alex
Jojo and Marine Alex start their car journey with a thumb war. Ugh. Jojo: “That’s my move!”
Marine Alex: “Is that h-wheat?!!” First time Alex has ever said this word. “Is this the hwheat bowl of the country, too?” TF is he saying?
Jojo: “Just be normal!"Jojo’s confessional: "I’m having a hard time connecting with him romantically at this point.”
Alex tries to kiss Jojo with Pringles lips and it’s just as horrifying as you could possibly imagine.
The rest of the guys leave Buenos Aires in what someone calls a “Jingle Bus."I guess this is why they all start beat-boxing and freestyle rapping. Once James Taylor II goes home are they going to continue to make the worst possible music about Jojo all the fucking time? James Taylor II wears shorts, a tank top, and a heinous American flag/eagle tat. Ex-swimmer Robby continues to wear the slippers he stole from some other person’s Mawmaw.
The guys cumulative rapping: “When Alex was on a motorcycle ride, it went alright. But Jojo cried. Because she wishes she was with us. It’s way more fun. Chilling’ on a bus. And he might get a kiss. But he won’t get far. He’s a little, bitty dude, riding’ in a sidecar. And he might have game and he might be cool, but to get in a sidecar, he need a stool.” I do enjoy “little, bitty dude.”
Back in the simultaneously awkward AF car-ride, Little Bitty Marine Alex gets his bitty spidey sense of what his bros are doing: “I can freestyle. Give me a topic. Any topic… Yo, yo, Jojo, gots to go to the liquor sto’– see what I did there? That’s like, my go-to line.” His go-to line is to change liquor store to rhyme with whatever the girl’s name is?
Marine Alex: “We’re sitting in the car doing nothing. Just the reality is that I’m having a hard time here.”
Jojo pretends she knows what an estancia is. Jojo: “That’s an estancia. I think it means ranch. That’s what they’re called here in Argentina.”
Jojo: “Today I’m taking Alex to an authentic Argentinean estancia, where we get to be gauchos for the day. The gaucho lifestyle is honestly really amazing. A gaucho was this Argentinean farmer/cowboy. They’re supposed to be very strong but at the same time, these men are very sensitive.”
Are these their real outfits???
They did this date solely to put Alex in a silly outfit. Jojo spins him around for
her Bachelor Nation’s pleasure.
Marine Alex: “I like those kind of trees. The one that’s like, droopy.” Jesus Christ.
They’ve literally dressed him up as the class clown and it’s pretty neck and neck for whether it’s insulting Argentinian culture or Alex more. Jojo: “You are a cute, little gaucho.”
They greet the real gauchos. Jojo: “Is this what the females look like?” GOOD GOD. If you say “the females” then you think the Argentinians are a different species than you are.
Luke: “While, you know, Alex and Jojo are on a one-on-one date, we stopped at a sketchy little local barbecue place, and they’re just feeding us random pieces of meat that we have no clue what they are.” We see the guys eating a bunch of mystery meat and cattily discussing whether Alex is going to go home or not.
A-Ro-Bro: “Yeah, I’m the pickiest eater there is, so uh, yeah, could be better.”
One of the non-Marine-Alex-gauchos shoves Jojo’s ass up on a horse.
Alex gets on his horse and Jojo patronizingly says, “That was good!” She treats him like a toddler.
Nightmare date: showing up, being forced to wear an insane outfit, then being forced to ride a horse in the insane outfit.
Jojo’s confessional: “[Being relaxed on this date] makes me think of a relationship and what love should be like.”
The gauchos explain that their tradition was to impose their will on horses by conquering their hearts. They then watch a man cuddle a horse into getting on the ground in submission.
Marine Alex: “That’s some horse whisperer stuff.”
Jojo: “Look how connected they are."Marine Alex: "There is a special connection between the man– the gaucho– and the horse. And uh, it is spiritual and it is deep. And like, he was just speaking to this horse with his spirit.”
Oh my god we are now watching a man dry hump a horse. Jojo: “It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” I mean, for all the horse porn I’ve seen it’s the most beautiful horse porn? Yeah, I’ll give it that.
Gaucho: “If you like, you can lay down here. You can spoon on the floor with your heads on the neck of the horse.”
Marine Alex: “I am in a sense of enlightenment right now.” We need new pants for Marine Alex again!
They’re making out on the horse’s head. Alex feels like he’s finally “writing [his] own story with Jojo.”
Marine Alex: “I’m your goocho.” AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! This is my favorite moment of the episode.
Alex: “This is perfect."Jojo: "This is nice.”
Marine Alex and Jojo go to dinner with a dog while a man plays guitar outside. Alex: “Tonight is one of the happiest moments of my life… Today it’s just confirmation that somehow I’m still here.”
A-Ro-Bro gets the first second one-on-one. I hate him so much. I’m not rooting for anyone now. The only thing I’m rooting for is Wells for Bachelor because I do not want to watch a season of any of these dipshits. I will, obviously, but I won’t be happy about it.
Marine Alex: “I really do need you to know that… like I think I’m falling in love with you. I know I’m falling in love with you.” Jojo doesn’t even smile when he says he loves her but he presses on. “I fell in love with you the second I saw you.”
Jojo’s confessional: “I don’t really know what to think of it.”
Jojo: “Today was the honestly the best day that I’ve had with you.” Which still sucked. “And when you tell me that you’re falling in love with me, I don’t feel as excited as I should feel. And that kills me because I wanted to be able to say so badly that I was falling in love with you too. And I just couldn’t say that… I don’t think that I would get to that point.”
Marine Alex: “It definitely sucks that you can’t see that being something that you’d want… There was no rose on the table. I wasn’t expecting this to happen.” Aka but you weren’t allowed to send me home rn!
Jojo: “I feel very very bad. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know what I’m doing… I felt like sending him home tonight was like giving him the utmost respect by not making him have to wait, but I don’t know if he sees it that way.”
There’s a bunch of spotlights lighting their goodbye.
Jojo: “My final memory with him was him not being able to look me in the eye. That’s not how I wanted to say goodbye to him.”
Jojo: “I don’t know how to do this. I should have stopped him. I should have done this. I shouldn’t have said this. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.” I’ll say. You sent Wells home and you’re left with pieces of shit. Seriously, if any of these people are the next Bachelor other than Wells… I don’t know what I’ll do… Not stop watching… But maybe a strongly-worded blog post…
Date #2: One-on-One with A-Ro-Bro
A-Ro-Bro prepares for his big leagues.
A-Ro-Bro: “I got two weeks in a row that I’ve had to combat things that have taken my character into question. That accusation, being as false as it was, that I’m entitled, you know, has some effect on my relationship with Jojo.”
They’re taking a private jet to Mendoza to go wine-tasting. They never would make A-Ro-Bro go on the goucho date and wear a stupid outfit and dry hump a horse.
Jojo and A-Ro-Bro arrive at the vineyard. A-Ro-Bro force-feeds Jojo grapes.
They stomp on grapes.
Jojo jumps into A-Ro-Bro’s barrel and rubs grapes on A-Ro-Bro’s calfs with grapes.
Oh gross they drink it!!! A-Ro-Bro: “Cheers to whatever was on our feet that’s about to go in our mouths.”
Back at the hotel, the bros discuss A-Ro-Bro’s front-runner status. Luke: “Jordan came into this with the most external hype I guess, since his brother is in the NFL…. If you have box seats to the Super Bowl every year or something, automatically you’re the front-runner… but what does that have to do with how you are with Jojo?” The question of the season, Luke.
Back in the vineyard hot tub, in the creepiest manner possible A-Ro-Bro tells Jojo: “I really want you to come and meet Mama. She’s gonna like you.” COME MEET MAMA RODGERS.
Chase’s confessional: “I think Jojo’s looking for a real guy with a real job in a real town for a real relationship.” Does he really think A-Ro-Bro lives in a made-up town?
Ex-Swimmer, Current Douche Robby: “It’s a fight for love! In my eyes, I’m a front-runner.”
A-Ro-Bro recounts the day and asks Jojo if she likes his feet. A-Ro-Bro=American Psycho.
Jojo asks the million dollar question of who she’d meet on A-Ro-Bro’s hometown. A-Ro-Bro: “Darla, Ed, my oldest brother Luke. Funniest guy I know. The funniest. And hopefully he brings Carl Weathers. The French bulldog. Yeah, and um, my middle brother won’t be there. And that’s Aaron.”
A-Ro-Bro: “I have a great relationship with my brother Luke. Um, me and Aaron don’t really have that much of a relationship. It’s just kind of the way he’s chosen to do life and I chose to stay close with my family and my parents and my brother… It’s not ideal and I love him and I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in his shoes and have the pressure he has and the demands from people that he has.”
Jojo: “Does he know that you’re doing this?” A-Ro-Bro: “I don’t think so.” Yikes.
A-Ro-Bro: “[James bringing up entitlement] really strikes a chord with me… At every step of my life I was just kind of disappointed. And no matter what I did, it was never good enough for a coach or for a teammate, because I was being compared to someone who did it the best… Humility that I’ve been taught from my parents is what I want people to see… It’s important for me that you don’t ever think that my confidence is derived from anything other than, you know, just the example my parents set because I care about you so much and I don’t want to mess it up.”
A-Ro-Bro: “I am so in love with you. And it’s been a couple weeks since I knew it was happening… It’s so real.” Jojo: “That makes me so happy. You know that?” I’m just picturing Marine Alex watching the disparity between her reaction to him and A-Ro-Bro’s love confessions.
Date #3: Group Date
It’s raining on the leaves. It’s raining on the benches. The guys wonder if this weather’s going to be a game-changer and they’re FUCKING RIGHT.
James Taylor II gives himself an incredibly bizarre pep talk in the mirror: “Looking fresh. Ready to soar places today, baby! You look good.”
Jojo brings them to a suite: “Welcome to our suite for the day!"Their date is that they have to stay in a slightly different hotel room than the one they’ve been locked in all week.
James Taylor II is doing anything Jojo asks him to including shoving all the french fries in his mouth as the other guys count it off in Spanish.
James Taylor II describes this confusing kindergarten display as bringing his “A-Game.”
He starts to puke.
Chase loves that this is James Taylor’s A-game. Chase: It “made him look highly unattractive and it was hilarious.” Jojo then makes them all do a Massage Train on each other while she messes with Robby’s hair? My suite rules involve me at the front of the massage train massaging fucking no one.
They play Bachelor-themed Charades, Celebrity, and Hangman. This really feels like the first thought the producers came up with for a rainy day date…
During Truth or Dare, Jojo dares Ex-Swimmer Robby to get down “to the undies” and run down the hall knocking on surely empty rooms’ doors.
James Taylor II: “Show us your butt! Give us your butt!” Ex-Swimmer Robby acquiesces.
Ex-Swimmer Robby: “My grandma is gonna hate to see this and I apologize Mawmaw but it was all in the pursuit of love.”
Don’t forget, James Taylor II is on his A-Game though, so he shall not stand for this display of masculinity. He throws Robby under the bus and says that he was checking out the hot Argentinian girls. Robby: “He’s lying!”
Robby takes 20 million years to put his clothes back on.
All four of them are cuddling on a bed and watching The Brazilian Bachelor.
They continue to joke about Wandering Eye Robby. Robby’s confessional: “Things are about to get ugly.”
Robby gets some one-on-one time with Jojo: “There’s hard times but I pull that out and I’m good.”
Robby admits that he broke up with his last girlfriend really recently. Jojo: “I’m a little nervous because I know you told me that your last girlfriend, you guys dated for a long time.” Robby: “There were a lot of variables that came into play and they were all negative.”
Robby: “Everything in the relationship was wrong. We dated for a little over three years. And I have never seen her house. I have met her Mom once… We broke up 4.5 months ago. It was a bad breakup. It was a blown up fight and one no that there was no recovery from… Yes, I’m definitely moved on.”
Jojo sits down with Chase and asks what he’s nervous about. Chase: “There’s nerves because there’s other guys in your situation which is a completely new feeling for me, caring so much about somebody to know that she’s also, I guess, investigating relationships with other guys.”
James Taylor II now attempts to throw himself under the bus to Jojo: “I want you to tell me the truth… You and me have a very sweet and genuine and deep connection. And yet I feel like you have a more physical or something else relationship with other people but maybe that’s ‘cause you know what we have is strong.” Jojo: “You have every quality that I would want in somebody that would be my husband and the father to my children… When you talk to me and look at me I feel very loved and cared about and appreciated. And those are all the things that I’d missed in previous relationships.” It’s something she’s never gone for before because she’s not into it.
Robby, James, and Chase discuss the rose numbers again. James tells them he thinks A-Ro-Bro and Luke are frontrunners and Robby disagrees because he’s an idiot. He thinks there are no front-runners.
Robby’s drunk. He says there’s no front-runners and then says he’s a front-runner. His confessional: “In my mind I’m the only front-runner here. And I always have been.”
Jojo gives the rose to Robby, literally destroying his thesis that there are no front-runners. Robby: “I’M GOING TO HOMETOWNS!… She’s going to love it. I’m going to love it. I’m gonna fall in love all over again and she’s gonna fall in love all over again.” Tf is he talking about.
James Taylor II: “Either me or Chase are going home… That’s an unspoken fact.”
Date #3: One-on-One with Luke
Luke: “At this point, it’s about way more than roses. It’s about family. It’s about reality. It’s about life.”
Their date is horse-themed and so very incredibly boring. Luke is “in his element” with the sexy cowboy/gun date while Marine Alex had to endure being paraded around. Jojo: “Luke’s for sure a man.” It would be really funny if after all these times she said this he turns out to be trans.
Luke essentially tells Jojo that he has no job. Your plan is my plan. All they do is talk about their feelings and their plans and it could not be more boring. He might be slightly less calculated than A-Ro-Bro but please no Bachelor Luke.
Now if you squint your eyes you can see Bitty Alex running towards us for another shot. Give it a go!
Jojo cancels the cocktail party that night because it would be fucked up to have a cocktail party at this point.
James Taylor II: “My whole life is riding on tonight.”
Jojo: “I would be the luckiest girl to end up with any of you.” Roses for Anime Luke, A-Ro-Bro, and Chase. Bye James Taylor II.
Jojo walks James Taylor II out and she’s sobbing, Jojo: “You have made me a better person.” How???
James Taylor is leaving with neither his dignity nor his face intact.
Upcoming Scenes: Jojo saying she’s “out of control” while sobbing on the ground in a blue gown. Hometowns is always the best episode…
Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase